The Words in The Corner

The words are still there,
right where you left them,
They float in the corner of the room
Like an imaginary balloon,
Reminding me of when we ended,
make it stop, make them go away,
They've been here for so long,
Yet still burn like the first day,
But i've noticed them wilting,
Lingering a bit low,
As if they are losing air and importance along with it,
I guess this is what they call moving on,
If only it didnt happen so slowly

More time has passed and
Your words have lost their importance and with that, now they are no longer your words but just words
And they no longer float in the corner of the room in my mind, like they once did.
Now, I will throw words up in the air and they are meant for you to see
I hope they dont linger like yours have done to me
But i hope you hear them then let them be
I'm no longer yours and you no longer mine
I am my own and no longer will I settle for left over praises.

Homeless. What Do I Know? Final Part #3

Laughter. 

That’s it. 

That’s the secret.

Life is and will continue to be HARD and pain will always be present somewhere. There will be many, many times you will want to quit.

Break down. Yell. Scream. Pound the floor. Cry in the shower. Reflect. Mend. Grow. Eat that delicious piece of cake. But don’t give up.

OH yeah and laugh. Laugh as much as you can even if it makes you sound hysterical. Life is filled with so much all the time that taking a break is necessary. Do something that feels good.  Laughter is one of those things that can lift you up even if it is just for a few seconds. It’s sort of like that feeling when you change into sweatpants or when you’ve been holding your pee for a long time and you finally get to go.  It’s the temporary ice pack for the bruises of life.  That is how we have survived. That is how we are surviving, well that and chocolate cake, of course. I often make jokes about my situation and most of my friends, shockingly, don’t know in which way to respond. It gets awkward sometimes, well most times, like sip your water a little too long to pass this awkward silence kinda thing. 

I was walking with a friend after church the other day and as brilliant as I know my friends to be this particular line was so perfect my heart did a double back flip. He said, "That's funny, in a sad truth kind of way" and I non-nonchalantly responded with "You gotta laugh at your sad truths sometimes" even though inside I was jumping up and down and screaming with relief because YES! YES! YOU GET IT!! I had been telling my other friend Lori just that a week before! I told her how I make jokes about my sad truths and how I wish people would just laugh with me when I make them. I know it must make my friends uneasy because they care about me and know I'm struggling but lets for a second think of how uneasy it makes ME to actually be in it.To be living it. These sad truths I laugh at are my reality and they pain me too, a lot so I laugh because it hurts and because I'm tired of crying and wanting to cry. I laugh because I'm tired of complaining and I'm even tired of being tired!

 Can this all go away now? Can the happy ending happen already?! Can all our prayers get answered and in return my faith in the divine grow bigger than a stinkin mustard seed already?! I want things to get better just like I'm sure my friends also do but they aren't. I would love to say that because this series is ending that so will this episode of our lives. I would love to say that we are going to be in a home soon and we are somewhat financially stable now but I can't and I probably won't. I wish things were getting better or that we had a better plan of how to get up on our feet and going again but I can't and it pains me like you could only imagine. We feel stuck. So. So. Stuck. The frustration that erupts in me when I think of our situation and the things that aren't happening to make it better. OH God help me! The me of so little faith. 

I use to tell myself that maybe I needed to be more grateful for what we do have in order to be happier with what we get, when we get it but thats not it. Although, I truly believe that I carry myself with an attitude of gratitude more so now than I ever have before which is fantastic but I no longer believe God kept an innocent 10 year old girl from a home because I wasn't giving enough thanks. What twisted idea of God did I have in my head that would make me in believe in that?? 

So I laugh. To keep myself sane. To keep my family sane. To create courage. To continue with faith. To feel good. To win at life for a while. To discourage complaint. To deal with pain. To love more.

To send out positive energy. And because I'm confused and lost and a bit tired.

I continue thinking of how its so easy for me to feel grateful for the little things now but what about when things get better? I am going to struggle with being okay with less because I get to taste a bit of more. I am going to forget the burden that comes with having to go to the bathroom because I'll have one easily accessible in my home. I'll forget the feeling of wanting but having nowhere to go because I'll have a home to resort to. I will forget that people are still struggling and in despair when my life is going great. Thats all so scary to me. I don't want to stop being aware because I'm scared of what will come of it. I'm scared I'll stop feeling as compelled to help. I don't want to get lazy because I'm not living it anymore.

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This series could honestly go on longer but because being homeless is not all that I am, I have chosen to end it with number 3. I have gotten such an amazing, overwhelming response throughout this whole series and I couldn't be any more thankful for it. What I set out to achieve when writing each part I believe has been accomplished. I wanted to start a conversation for people, to stir the waters on this topic. I wanted to give perspective from someone people could be able to relate to. I wanted to inform and maybe even inspire. The response has made me feel like I've achieved that and more so Thankyou! Thankyou! Thankyou! 

As for my family and I well I don't know whats going to happen or if its going to get better sooner than later but you bet we will be laughing the whole way through. and with chocolate cake too.

I hope you choose to laugh when it gets hard which to be honest can happen and be a lot of the time. I hope you try for compassion and understanding with things that stir up the waters in you. I hope you love and love well. I hope you choose kindness. I hope you leave your toolbox at home unless you're asked to bring it. I hope you never feel as if you've arrived because closed minds never expand and expanding hurts but its wonderful too, miraculous even. 

I hope when you see a homeless person you feel an ache in your heart and I hope you don't pretend you don't see them. I hope you offer them kindness whether it be in a smile or food and water. I hope you see a homeless person with a grocery cart and remember that they already feel like a nobody and most likely have nobody so all that stuff helps them hold onto that twisted idea of home they now own. 

Be kind everyone and Love well.

-Analaura

Homeless. What Do I Know? PART 2

Choose gratitude over complaint.
 I am blessed.
 I am blessed.
  I am blessed.
This is how we survive.

Maybe finding the grace to stop complaining and whining isn't always the easiest or the most convenient to do but its something that I have chosen to live into and something I do implement into the lives of my mom and Celest. Everyday we are confronted with how much we need but also how much we already have. We can't go through life not noticing the many blessings we do possess because oh how much we would miss. Its true we will always need something and lack another but we will also always have something and be overflowing with another. Our lives are not empty, this I'm sure. Whether they be filled with pain or joy or love or creativity or experience our lives are NOT empty. 

We will always want more its our human condition. We are fed by the media this very ideal. As much as I'd love to say that being homeless has made me realize that I shouldn't worry about how much I have or that its made me want less, I can't. What a big fat lie that would be if I did. I can't say that I would be completely happy with a tiny place because at least its a place to call home right but truth of the matter is I would want more space. I would want a yard for my dogs and a room just for Celest. I would long for beautiful colored walls and pretty furniture.Even as insignificant I know and truly believe all these things are. Even though I know that with how much I have it won't bring upon lasting happiness. I would still be left wanting more. When I remember all this and how my heart begins to whine for more I say to myself "Gratitude over complaint. I am blessed. I am blessed. I am blessed." This has become a mantra of mine and every time I repeat and repeat and repeat it to myself its helps me live into it. Even as desperate and tired as I am from not having a home or catching a break I want to be able to try for gratitude. I want to say in the morning of everyday that yesterday I tried for gratitude so that I can be able to try again that very same day.

One of the many things I have come to know is that when you are submerged into this outcast world of people who don't have homes you are confronted with amazing deep stories and you are forced to look at your own story and see the very blessings you have.  You see the people who are homeless and have a car are the homeless that are at the top because these people have a lot more luxury than all the others. These people are usually the ones who get out and that is by far one of the greatest tasks we homeless have. Although having a car still has its downsides like keeping it legal and running which requires money which is what most of us don't have most of. Those who don't have cars resort to sleeping in between bushes and finding something with wheels to carry belongings. They don't have anywhere to go and finding somewhere to be where they wont call the police on you is such a task. I remember back in 2013 when our car wasnt working and we were on the bus and always scavenging for somewhere to stay and to be during the day. People would often question how someone who doesn't work or do much all day could be exhausted. I'll tell you why because your body or mind never rests from not getting a good place to sleep in at night due to bugs. people,police and even your own safety. You don't rest at night or during the day. Not having a safe place to shelter you and to call home makes a huge difference in regards to rest. It is exhausting not having anywhere to go with no stability or security, It takes major strength to keep your sanity in this situation and we all mutually give moments of silence full of understanding for those who weren't able to keep their bits of sanity. When a homeless comes in contact with another we don't become best friends like most people would believe we are all different as I've said before so we may not get along or agree with each other but we SEE ONE ANOTHER and I believe it to be a magnificent thing. We see and we understand because we are living it right along side one another so there's this silent bit of respect behind each of us for one another.

Most people wouldn’t skip the address question on paper work like I often do. Not having a physical address is quite difficult. The dmv will ask for one and will tell you that it’s not acceptable to put down a post office box. Insurance companies ask for a physical address as well and often deny any request to put down a post office box. We often resort to having to coyly admit to being homeless and anything other than our post office box is just not available. It’s something that boggles my mind because it seems that when you are homeless it’s expected that you disqualify yourself from being a part of society. Isn’t that weird?  It’s like people who become homeless also become less than. How unheard of.  It is a vision some people have with being poor in which you must look like a precious moments character with patches all over your clothes and big begging eyes to qualify. There are so many labels that are so often stuffed into little boxes. So many boxes that we don’t have to settle with, that I won't settle with.

---

Celest started 4th grade this past Tuesday just like a lot of kids here in San Diego did and she is just filled with so much wonder for whats ahead. I love it! I love the girl but YAY for 7 1/2 hour school days with free breakfast and lunch! What a blessing teachers are, am I right? Its just my mom and I and the dogs during the day now when I'm not working 3 days out of the week. I am a nanny Wednesday, Thursdays and Saturdays every week and I couldn't be happier about it. People have always been curious to what I do, if I work or go to college and there has always been so much shame carried in every single one of my responses. I don't go to college and for the longest time didn't have a steady job. Then the following question always came next. Why?? I never know how to respond to that one worded question because for me there's so much to it than just a simple answer. The reason I have always been hesitant to take any job like a waitress or at a fast food place is because I am in recovery. I dont think most people realize how much work recovery takes.  A couple years ago I was so obsessed with the idea that I was better off dead. I was in such a dark place that I would often day dream of my funeral not prom or guys or college. I was fighting for my life and I still am to this day. Although I am in a much better place today than I was even 2 years ago I am still in recovery and I will always be in recovery.  I have gone from giving up the fight and teetering on the edge of suicide to being determined to stay alive and healthy both inside and out. So yes maybe the fact that I haven't gotten a real steady job wherever I can find one is selfish of me to do because then maybe we would have already saved up enough money to rent a place but I will NOT apologize for it. I will not apologize for doing whats best for me. I know that if I got a job I wasn't happy in doing I would wake up everyday and dread going to work and slowly that would slide into dread waking up and that would push me into that dark place I swore to myself I would never go back to. I made a promise to myself to fight and thats what I'm doing. That place is so stubborn and SO hard to get out of. I live everyday knowing that its still there, waiting for me to tire out and give up. That terrifies the crap out of me! So I took the jobs to be a nanny to the most wonderful beautiful children that I LOVE SO MUCH because I don't dread going to do it!! It may not come up to the standard of what some people would like to see from me but I could really care less because I am in such a healthy place right now. People, I'm still ALIVE!! Holy SHIT you don't know how amazing and ENOUGH for me that is. I am loving others and loving myself and life! Thats so fucking AMAZING. I am growing and expanding and becoming a better person with each passing day. How GREAT is that!? I go at my own pace and now just recently have decided to look for another job I can enjoy to work on the days I don't in order to get my family ahead. 

OH how badly I want to let go of all this SHAME that manifests within me because I'm not where I thought I would be or other people think I should be. I don't want it! I don't want shame to make me feel like what I've done and what I do is NOT enough because guess what IT IS enough. It is! It is! Its enough! I'm ENOUGH. So yes I'm homeless and I don't have a job that pays enough to pay rent but I am so alive and it feels good. Its still every bit as hard and I AM tired. OH boy, am I tired but I'm not giving up. I'm staying in community as hard as it is for me and I'm loving others and letting them love me because simply put I WANT to not because I NEED them to. I'm not where I used to be and thank God for that.

I know that we all have that image in our heads of what our homes are suppose to look like and where we are suppose to be and what we are suppose to be doing  and I know that in reality we most likely fall short of that "image" in our heads and I'm here to remind you to stop doing that!! Stop it, because what you do and where you are is SO GREAT and its more than enough!

We are blessed. We are blessed. We are blessed.

This. 

This is how we thrive. 

.Stay Strong Fellow Warriors.

How do you survive?

You just do.

There is no other choice,

no other viable options.

You throw yourself into it,

head first

and make a mess along the way.

Gain a few too many scars,

break some things,

mend others.

Eventually,

you find yourself with 

a couple of friends

and a few precious tools.

You just have to.

You will.

Michelle K., How Do You Recover? pt. 7

Michelle K is on Tumblr. Follow her for more lovely poems about recovery.