I read something today that helped me continue to keep trying. The idea was that maybe during the pain & hard stuff it is possibly exactly when we are meant to be present. When we are meant to share. We weren't meant to write about all the hard stuff only after we already passed through it. We were meant to show up during the hard moments. To show up, to rise up even if sometimes its just for ourselves. Our sadness is not shameful. Its truthful, honest and real.
Oh sweet self how could you not remember this.
In the mess of things I've become ashamed of myself even though I know better. Even though I know that my sadness, my anger and ways of coping are not to become excuses for hating myself. I know that people won't always understand. And I know that through it all I have to say no to the shame and to the self loathing over and over again. I know that I must always remember to keep on healing. I've been feeling as if this part of my story is where I disappear and do not come back until I'm shiny and bright with joy again. As if my sad and difficulty are the ugly parts and should be hidden and not talked about until they pass. This, I don"t believe to be true but shame is quite convincing. But the whole idea of the difficult parts being the most important time to show up rattles that poop head shame. Shame cannot stand our truth that's why it feeds us lies.
I keep repeating this as a prayer for myself.
I cannot stop trying for it halts my healing.
I cannot hate myself for it halts my healing.
Getting it right will not, should not become the objective.
Healing should always be the chosen journey.
I am still in the depths. I am still overwhelmed. I am still at moments quiet and very sad. But I am growing and becoming. Pain is here breaking us open and giving us a chance to transform. To grow and to become something more. Pain is our fuel not our anchor.
Glennon Doyle Melton's book Love Warrior came out today. !!!!!. She posted on her instagram a part of her interview from her TV appearance interview this morning and explained how showing up all busted up is where shes most comfortable. How perhaps, "Maybe, this all happened to me so I can go out there and be seen in the during" She could have chosen to hide her separation until after but she didn't. Because its all about the during. Showing up during the during is much more helpful to people than showing up after. When our story has the chance to be helpful by being told, we decide to use our pain for healing. How grand.
