There is a voice in my head and it tells me all those things. It convinces me that its cruelty is all apart of the good honesty that will help me make better decisions. I believe it sometimes. Sometimes its all I can think about. I begin to step away from things I love like writing and creating. Then I step away from the people I love dearly. Sincerely convinced that my friends are better off without me and my stories. They'll be happier without you, the voice says massaging my ego. Then I imagine them happier and better because they aren't being reminded about how frustrating me and my situation are. Its hard to turn back once I do that. Sometimes I leave all things and all the people because of this and it takes days upon days for me to come back. Sometimes a little light in me pops into the picture then scoops my hurt self up reminding me to return to all things love. To which I rebuttle the thought of what if its all true. What if all those cruel things are true?? The light untangles the despair from my ravaged heart and I remember to walk back to all things love.
Yesterday, I came upon a thought that enlightened me a bit. Sympathy runs out but empathy does not. Perhaps I am looking at the love my friends have for me more as sympathy than the real true stuff. The people that love me don't stay in my life because they feel sorry for me. They don't reach out and buy me food and take me to acupuncture and listen to me rant and give me hugs and kisses because they feel obligated to or at least I hope not. They do it because I believe they've connected to me and my stories and have grown to appreciate me. They love me with the real true stuff not the fluffy surface-y stuff. I certainly wouldn't want the people I love to feel as if my love for them is not real and deep and true. I'm trying really hard to no longer continue letting myself be convinced that I am the exception to true and good things. Having a mantra will help me do this.
This although does not take away from the fact that I have been in this situation for so long now that so many bits and pieces of who I am are no longer available for use. My everything is tired and worn. Spark is something I now lack. I used to get told all the time that my presence was such a light. I don't get told that much now a days. I understand, I get it. After some time the dreariness of my reality becomes a real burden. That is where that cruel little voice gets its fuel to be ignited, from tiny little spaces such as that one.
Finding the balance to have the honest reality of the human condition and its messiness to be consciously present and also finding the grace to stay and know that its all alright. That I am loved regardless. I am worthy and I am loved and I am beautiful regardless of the mistakes I've made or make. Regardless of the frustration regarding my person and my situation. Regardless of the differences between me and my friends-my people. Re-positioning my self to lean towards grace not only with myself but also for my friends is so so so important. The importance to that is so vital to the health of all my relationships and my mental health.
So leaning towards grace and learning to spot the difference between sympathy and empathy are big big things but we can do hard things. All of us. I believe in that.
This post most likely wasn't as helpful for you as it was for me but in the small miracle that it has been. Thank you for saying ME TOO even though I won't actually know you did.
Sympathy runs out but empathy does not.
Thanks for reading.
