Laughter.
That’s it.
That’s the secret.
Life is and will continue to be HARD and pain will always be
present somewhere. There will be many, many times you will want to quit.
Break down. Yell. Scream. Pound the floor. Cry in the
shower. Reflect. Mend. Grow. Eat that delicious piece of cake. But don’t give
up.
OH yeah and laugh. Laugh as much as you can even if it makes
you sound hysterical. Life is filled with so much all the time that taking a
break is necessary. Do something that feels good. Laughter is one of those things that can lift
you up even if it is just for a few seconds. It’s sort of like that feeling when
you change into sweatpants or when you’ve been holding your pee for a long time
and you finally get to go. It’s the
temporary ice pack for the bruises of life.
That is how we have survived. That is how we are surviving, well that and
chocolate cake, of course. I often make jokes about my situation and most of my
friends, shockingly, don’t know in which way to respond. It gets awkward
sometimes, well most times, like sip your water a little too long to pass this awkward silence kinda thing.
I was walking with a friend after church the other day and
as brilliant as I know my friends to be this particular line was so perfect my
heart did a double back flip. He said, "That's funny, in a sad truth kind of way" and I non-nonchalantly responded with "You gotta laugh at your sad truths sometimes" even though inside I was jumping up and down and screaming with relief because YES! YES! YOU GET IT!! I had been telling my other friend Lori just that a week before! I told her how I make jokes about my sad truths and how I wish people would just laugh with me when I make them. I know it must make my friends uneasy because they care about me and know I'm struggling but lets for a second think of how uneasy it makes ME to actually be in it.To be living it. These sad truths I laugh at are my reality and they pain me too, a lot so I laugh because it hurts and because I'm tired of crying and wanting to cry. I laugh because I'm tired of complaining and I'm even tired of being tired!
Can this all go away now? Can the happy ending happen already?! Can all our prayers get answered and in return my faith in the divine grow bigger than a stinkin mustard seed already?! I want things to get better just like I'm sure my friends also do but they aren't. I would love to say that because this series is ending that so will this episode of our lives. I would love to say that we are going to be in a home soon and we are somewhat financially stable now but I can't and I probably won't. I wish things were getting better or that we had a better plan of how to get up on our feet and going again but I can't and it pains me like you could only imagine. We feel stuck. So. So. Stuck. The frustration that erupts in me when I think of our situation and the things that aren't happening to make it better. OH God help me! The me of so little faith.
I use to tell myself that maybe I needed to be more grateful for what we do have in order to be happier with what we get, when we get it but thats not it. Although, I truly believe that I carry myself with an attitude of gratitude more so now than I ever have before which is fantastic but I no longer believe God kept an innocent 10 year old girl from a home because I wasn't giving enough thanks. What twisted idea of God did I have in my head that would make me in believe in that??
So I laugh. To keep myself sane. To keep my family sane. To create courage. To continue with faith. To feel good. To win at life for a while. To discourage complaint. To deal with pain. To love more.
To send out positive energy. And because I'm confused and lost and a bit tired.
I continue thinking of how its so easy for me to feel grateful for the little things now but what about when things get better? I am going to struggle with being okay with less because I get to taste a bit of more. I am going to forget the burden that comes with having to go to the bathroom because I'll have one easily accessible in my home. I'll forget the feeling of wanting but having nowhere to go because I'll have a home to resort to. I will forget that people are still struggling and in despair when my life is going great. Thats all so scary to me. I don't want to stop being aware because I'm scared of what will come of it. I'm scared I'll stop feeling as compelled to help. I don't want to get lazy because I'm not living it anymore.
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This series could honestly go on longer but because being homeless is not all that I am, I have chosen to end it with number 3. I have gotten such an amazing, overwhelming response throughout this whole series and I couldn't be any more thankful for it. What I set out to achieve when writing each part I believe has been accomplished. I wanted to start a conversation for people, to stir the waters on this topic. I wanted to give perspective from someone people could be able to relate to. I wanted to inform and maybe even inspire. The response has made me feel like I've achieved that and more so Thankyou! Thankyou! Thankyou!
As for my family and I well I don't know whats going to happen or if its going to get better sooner than later but you bet we will be laughing the whole way through. and with chocolate cake too.
I hope you choose to laugh when it gets hard which to be honest can happen and be a lot of the time. I hope you try for compassion and understanding with things that stir up the waters in you. I hope you love and love well. I hope you choose kindness. I hope you leave your toolbox at home unless you're asked to bring it. I hope you never feel as if you've arrived because closed minds never expand and expanding hurts but its wonderful too, miraculous even.
I hope when you see a homeless person you feel an ache in your heart and I hope you don't pretend you don't see them. I hope you offer them kindness whether it be in a smile or food and water. I hope you see a homeless person with a grocery cart and remember that they already feel like a nobody and most likely have nobody so all that stuff helps them hold onto that twisted idea of home they now own.
Be kind everyone and Love well.
-Analaura
