A friend asked me the other day what my plans were moving forward to be happy and I struggled with that question. I became irritated by it. I didn't express myself then mostly due to not having my thoughts together but I feel like here in my own space today I do and thought to share.
I no longer make goals to gain happiness. I do not wish to accomplish certain things and then feel like happiness can then happen to me. I have learned that continuing to wish for happiness is hurtful for those of us whose lives have been eaten up by unfortunate events and circumstances. My whole life has completely taken over the ability for me to try new things, to take risks and fuck up, to actually act like whatever a 22 year old woman acts like. But I don't mention this to 'cause sympathy or concern I've mentioned this to try to explain why my goals don't include "and then happiness" at the end. I used to do that a lot. I would make a goal and know that once we passed the finished line to that goal then I could finally take happiness for my own. The problem with this is that there was always another goal and always another finish line to cross. Those of us whose timeline of their life includes stories of how we went from surviving one storm to floating right into another know that the dream of one day no longer having to bear the crippling storms is a finish line we aim to one day get the luck of crossing. Unfortunately, this dream finish line keeps us in a state of paralysis towards real joy. We are always courageously rowing ourselves through tremulous storms and feeling let down by the world when that lovely dream finish line is still not in our reaching. There will always be prisons but that does not mean that we cannot be free, that we cannot have our freedom. Likewise there will always be goals to complete, to grow into or out of but this does not mean that we have to wait to make happiness our own. Granted there will be times when joy is something you've forgotten how to want or feel or deserve but we cant continue to see joy as a finish line. Perhaps instead we can believe in the powerful, fleeting moments of sacred joy. Yes, I may always have a trap door leading into sadness but I know that the joy and peace I am able to feel in the tiny moments in between storms or during the storms are sacred. My sacred joy shakes its head in disbelief when I reduce it to a finish line. Some of you may understand and some will not but for those of us where joy seems hard to come by whether due to mental illness or life circumstances or both please know that your joy is sacred. I know that the word "happiness" feels big but know that your sacred joy is your humble healing companion. Sacred joy is those 5 second moments. Those moments that so often pass us by a little too quickly to brag about themselves. We don't have to pass any finish line for this. We just courageously row our tired selves through the all the storms and continue remembering to remember our sacred joys. This I can do. What about you?
Some of my current sacred joys:
When my dog Penny wiggles her butt
When my dog Percy hops from joy
When Celest says something hilarious
I may not currently know how to want joy or how to stop cringing at the word happiness but that doesn't even matter. I'm just gonna keep rowing my fierce crooked self through shitty times and remember my humble healing companion sacred joy.
