The corona virus has disrupted the worlds rhythms. Most people are in quarantine now if not out working. I am still going out and working but when I am not there I am home, in quarantine. There are memes everywhere making fun of how some people haven't had to change much of their lives with the quarantine order in effect and let me tell you that is me. Other than the fact I can't go to Target just to walk around or to the swap meet/flea market on weekends, concerts, driving somewhere; my life now in quarantine and out aren't too different. Isolation is kinda my thing apparently.
I mean not that I wasn't aware but also I didn't realize how intense it was. HAH. Let a pandemic make you ask yourself some important questions. Also, I spend way too much time on my phone and it pains me to say but watching Netflix too. I wanna finish all the books I have just waiting for me on my shelves. I want to spend more time outside even if its just spent staring at my plants, reading, or listening to music. I bet my mental health would appreciate that much more than switching between the same 3 social media apps until it gets dark while also watching shows on Netflix. I also obsessively watch the videos of past concerts I've been to. Its weird kinda but also not? Listen I have clinical depression and motivation runs away from me. I have the intent but the actual scene of how it plays out usually looks like me laying on my bed staring at the ceiling thinking how much I want to or should be doing this or that. I was exercising at home once before bed too. Nothing extravagant but through an app on my phone I would do a set for like 15-20 minutes. That was stooopid but it was also good? Piece of advice, living upstairs isn't great for at home exercising. If I wasn't so anxiety ridden and self conscious about people looking at me then I could maybe try the gym again or even just out in my patio area. Also, the app kept a calender and marked each time I'd exercise and sadly looks like I had a pattern of once every 2-3 weeks. I WAS TRYING OKAY?! I don't know if its my over critical part of myself or what but I always feel like I am always landing short of my potential. I'm always just missing the mark.
I'm always thinking of how I use my blog as an outlet. I say how I love writing and how it feels like an itch I can't scratch until I do it again. I've been wondering though if maybe I could start going to therapy and how that could possibly change things. What if the only reason I've felt so passionately about writing is because its my only safe outlet? What if what I thought was a passion of mine turns out not to be? Then what? Also, what is the use of being passionate about something if you are the only one who benefits from it? My writing is more self serving than anything whether I do it or not won't ripple effect anything. What the fuck am I good at then? What am I supposed to be doing?
Whats my purpose here? Everyone else seems to have their shit together (wrong) and I don't. Everyone else seems to be working towards something and what the fuck am I doing?
“My vulnerability is natural and permissible and beautiful to me, and it should remind you of your responsibility to behave like a friend to me and the world.”
-Jenny Slate
Maybe the capitalist mindset has brainwashed me too much because my productivity level dictates how I weigh my worth and purpose. I don't think that's right. Right?
I may not be in college working to get a degree or rising up in the ranks of my job but I am working on things inside. There's a construction site of healing and recovery happening somewhere people can't see. Isn't that okay?
"Being vulnerable is clumsy but it is the only thing worth anything. "
I think thats it for me this time around. hey, I should write on here more now that its not my choice to self isolate and everyone else is doing (or supposed to) doing it too. Yeah? Yeah, Ima do it.
