I sat still, staring at the beautifully created glass mosaic window hung high in the front of the room while my dear heart beating, pumping as fast as the adrenaline allowed it to. My mom to the right my dear friend to the left and another to my front listening intently. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Steady your heart beat. Slow and Steady. I almost turned to my left and intertwined my arm with his for some steadiness, some peace but Inhale. Exhale. or what if I reached out my hand to my front to put my hand on her shoulder but Inhale. Exhale. Why is my heart beating so fast? I'm too shaky, calm down. Inhale. Exhale. The choir stands and begins to sing and my heart steady's to a fast but steady pace. Inhale. Exhale. and I lose myself in the melody and in the angelic high notes of the sopranos and I feel from my feet to the tips of my ears the bass of the organ pipes beautifully being played. I stare and remember the chaos and the amount of times my world has fell apart and all the pain that has stretched me and the muscles in my face that have at times felt too heavy to lift a smile and the tears shed and the screams nobody ever heard and the highlighted frustration for things gone wrong and Inhale. Exhale. I hear the voices of the choir continue and my soul disperses to glide along in the air, dancing with each note sung, momentarily kissed by peace and becoming one with the universe. Then I remember the pain also hugging my dear friends at this time and Inhale. Exhale. I remember why I choose to believe in love. I think of all those whom I do not know in deep pain through all the celebrations, existing, being, breathing. I then wonder of the important night with virgin Mary, perhaps she felt too many things were gone wrong on a day when she'd give birth to the savior. She too must have had her heart beating fast and mind full of stuttering thoughts Inhale. Exhale. be calm she must have breathed to her heart.
Candles glistening, people singing and all our stories put to a halt so we become one with the universe. Peace comes and gently kisses your soul. My heart finally comes down to a normal rhythm and I realize I didn't have the energy to be there. My body knew my soul could not hold me up this night and adrenaline kept my soul from shutting down.
Inhale. Exhale.
Glowing eyes and soft smiles. Hug from her and him and them too. Love from her and him and them too. The pain present but no longer as intimidating. I breathe on my own without thought or reminders this time. I stutter goodbyes and Merry Christmases. I give tight hugs and hope they know they're loved. I stuff some peace in a box and save it for later. I watch her cross the street and watch him get to his car and I see the small faces of my dogs in my car anticipating my arrival. I breathe and look to the lit moon thankful for my friends and the fact I didn't get to face this really hard year alone. I remember the laughs and the clumsy hugs and the kisses on cheeks that always warmly surprise me. I remember all the details and how they became the bright stars in my darkened sky of a year. My heart beats and I feel love inside flowing, pumping within. I remember that I am alive feeling pain and love, experiencing laughter and hugs. I remember the souls that I am now deeply connected to and I remember to breathe. I love my friends and my dogs and chocolate cake and trees and hugs. I LOVE because I am ALIVE. I HURT because I am ALIVE.
I am alive and in pain and in love and thats real.
Real is okay.
Real is good.
Real. Is. Great.
Merry Christmas.
