The Side Chick

The majority of my life I have struggled with the unsettling idea that I am but a secondary character in my family storyline. Always the one effected but never the one affecting. The sum of my life centered around everyone else's actions or worse the consequences that resulted because of those actions. While most people grow up navigating the discovery of themselves and what everything means I was busy reacting to other peoples stories and other people meaning my family. I was the secondary character in my own show. I was the friend of the main characters who only got enough scenes to be recognized but never enough to have a concrete story line. So I grew up reacting, listening, observing. 

         I think about that often when I am confronted in messy situations that center around my brothers. I think about the disruption in their lives. I empathetically think of their pain in the experiences I witnessed. I create a logical domino effect of how one experience altered their sense of self which then diminished their chance to have made alternate better decisions. I think of the emotional blockade they have. How society, machismo, economic status, my father and even mother deeply influenced how they deal with their emotions or don't. How they had to build coping mechanisms from scratch or sadly learned the unhealthy ones they witnessed. I think about how studies have shown how kids who come from single family homes, divorced homes, below the poverty line, immigrated parent homes can have a harder time adjusting into a "normal" stable adult. I remember trauma lives and breathes in them too.

      The 25 year old me, the worked her ass off to heal, grow and expand me then tries to gently scoop me up off the floor because my heart usually ends up on its knees battered and bruised at this point. I remember all of my disruptions; all of my experiences. I remember how economic status, society, my family all deeply influenced my young girl self. I think of issues I have and how they came to be.  I try to validate myself my experiences and feelings because that's where I've learned my healing can begin. 

     I can't help but think of my family members disruptions but then I think of mine and I become incredibly conflicted. Its easy for me to think empathetically towards them and their experiences but when I'm faced with them in person and they begin to speak to me about anything really I am completely bottled with rage. I feel my upper lip start to curl and I always-always have to remind myself to bring it down and reflect. 

Its hard when you have to push your family away because they bring destruction to your world that you put so much effort into creating. The world you are so desperately trying to build for yourself. 

Si no estan aqui para ayudar me flotar no necesito que me ayudan ahogar

      I am so conflicted. It takes up so much of me to think about it so I try not to. I understand that we are all building from scratch and some people handle things better than others but as my friend Lyz told me "You were not made to hold everyone up." It is not my job to keep or to save. It is

not my responsibility to caress their wounds and hand them solutions. I know all this but it doesn't take away from the pain knowing that my 2 of my brothers are still sleeping in their cars and one has a broken toe disabled in the room next to mine. It doesn't take away from the fact that I recognize patterns and trauma that my mom has had but that I can't trust her to set any type of boundaries. I look at the whole picture but it doesn't take away the pain or the hard decisions I have to make. No amount of empathy will be the solution. That's what breaks my heart I think the most that no amount of my understanding can excuse the pain caused. It doesn't count if I recognize the patterns but they remain unaware. 

      The hard work, the healing, the demolition, the recreating has to be done by each individual and it can't be done near each other because we will come unravel and come undone. I cannot help them and help myself in the same proximity. I built up muscle to help myself stay afloat and no matter how tough no matter how bitter or cold I may seem I have to put myself first. 

Oh, but the guilt doesn't leave me alone.

I am continually faced with decisions everyday to enforce boundaries. I don't know how it looks like from their point of view. Does it look easy? Do they think that its easy for me? 'Cause its not. I don't know if they think I've had it easy. I don't know if they think I'm being selfish or just plain cruel. I don't know if they will ever come to understand how much I want to be okay. How I have come to learn that they unravel the healing, the recovery.

How much it hurts that I have to move forward even if it means leaving them behind.

This weeks song is Heavy by Kiana Lede. Hits the spot.