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Photo taken by L.M. |
This week I wanted to explore the idea of what makes us feel "okay" in the context of when someone is particularly unhappy. What relieves the ache. What diffuses. What allows us to breathe again. What in the middle of everything can make us feel like we can easily take a breathe again.
I know the answers are different and ever changing for everybody so please know that what diffuses for me may/can/will be different to what diffuses for you.
I find myself always at a constant of searching for more in myself than the numb and sadness. What else is in that huge hoarding pile of feelings. There has to be joy or peace or something like that somewhere in here. I always seem to be blind to it as if my sight is selective. I think from feeling numb for so long I've felt at a loss when it comes to much else. I mean I let out a laugh or two day to day and find amusement in random things. I feel kindness to my friends so I get stumped when I think back to those things and try to convince myself that is one of the many ways joy can look like. I seem to feel this emotion that can't be described in any other way than the lazily shrugging of shoulders. Its like I remain unmoved by the evidence that joy is not the stranger I claim it to be.
Hey, um didnt you hear???? You aren't just a walking talking robot built from fuckery buuut nope all that I get is just the metaphorical shrugging of my souls shoulders
I think I can come to discover that I can feel much more than what my current range of emotion allows me to. I think I have to become more trusting and believe that the times of laughter and kindness and peace are not or will not ever be forgotten by my soul. Perhaps my soul has found the loop hole to misery. MAYBE just maybe this entire time I thought I was failing at feeling okay I had been completely ignoring the fact that I was even able to participate.
This week has been pretty straighforward. Go to work, get out, pick up Celest, go get some wifi then head to our designated lot for the night. Of course days like yesterday when we went from picking up Celest to the storage right up until they closed is a nice change of pace. My work week hasn't been stressful, I actually really enjoy my co-workers company so when I get to work with her 3-4 days out of the six days I'm at work I'm grateful. I made a co-worker laugh once or twice and that always make me feel okay for a couple seconds. It reminds me that I can be funny. My dogs are always happy to see me and taking them to an empty park where they just ran around made me so happy. You should have seen their faces. Watching new episodes of our favorite shows on netflix and hulu with my mom and Celest make me feel okay. Hearing from Lori, my best friend, makes me feel okay. Organizing things putting them where they belong or making a space for something is comforting to me.
We often go to our favorite thrift store and so often I see small dining sets and wooden bookshelves that if I had a home I would refurbish and that does not make me feel okay. In fact it tears me a part inside because I'd like to have a home that I can make homey but instead I stand back and watch everyone else do it for theirs.
My sadness is ever present but hopefully I will never stop looking for the things that make me feel okay. We need those things after all so recognizing what those things actually ARE is really important. Maybe one day I can look back to the things that make me feel okay and not have a shrugging of shoulders reaction. Maybe I can have the reaction that my dogs have after running around at the park. Pure contentment.
One can only hope.
I hope to have a more interesting in depth much more revised post next week but for now this is all I got. Sorry, kinda.
Until next Friday,
-Analaura
Songs of the week:
Stay- Sara Bareilles
My Love Is Like A Star - Demi Lovato
