While thinking of this subject I knew that one post just wouldn’t
be sufficient. I knew that I needed to do a series of posts because theres so
much to this particular subject and there is so much I have to say. Before I
say anything else though I want to say that everything I write is soley based
on my and my familys experiences and feelings and it DOES NOT speak for anyone
who has ever been or is homeless although I do have hopes of hitting home and
speaking for those who are hidden behind the shadows. I also would like to say
that I acknowledge that I am not the only one who has struggled/s or overcome/ing something difficult. We are
all survivors and warriors. Pain is not something you measure.
I believe it’ll be appropriate to start with all my
experiences with being homeless myself and how it affects my daily life, the
things I’ve learned and how I’ve been treated.
The first time my family became homeless (2005) was about a
year after we made a big move from a small town with a population of 40,000 to
a big city with about a million or so residents. My mom being a single mom
caring for 4 kids in a big city realized that her best just wasn’t gonna pay
all the bills like it (barely) was doing back home. We put our things in
storage units and kept the necessary like clothes and food stored in our car. I
was in 5th grade and Celest only one. We slept in our car
uncomfortably, squished and crowded. My mom had just gotten laid off from her
job working as a receptionist and was now working 18 hour days with two low
paying jobs and I was missing school weeks at a time. Don’t ask where we
showered because most of the time we didn’t. After a while of that my aunt
which by the way is our only relative here in San Diego was generous enough to
let us stay with her in her house. Well, that didn’t last long at all because
after many unsuccessful tries of trying to convince her that we weren’t
stealing her things from her, we left. There we went again living out of car
and trying to survive. After that we decided to move deeper south into town and
were able to get a cheap apartment. Well after about two years we got kicked
out due to my brothers disturbances. After that we moved into a condo which we
left after two months due to neighbors who were up to no good. Then we moved
into a house which we also got kicked out of after two years for not being able
to pay the rent and my brothers disturbances. We weren’t making it each month.
The rent was too high and food was/is so expensive. We were fighting stay above
water and were constantly failing to do so. After that house we moved into
another house which we left after about a year and a half due to failure to pay
the rent. {Tired yet? Hang in there with me, I’m almost there.} After that we moved into a tiny tiny place in
which we eventually moved out of because we weren’t making the rent, AGAIN.
Story of our lives. We moved out of the deeper south of the city and into a
lovely part of San Diego called normal heights with our big hearted friend in
her small 1 bedroom. Oh did we make it work and count our blessings. That was
in 2010 then we found a place nearby in which we stayed in for about 2 ½ years then left due to unresolving issues
with my brothers and not enough money to pay bills. 2013 my mom, Celest and our
2 newest additions to the family, my dogs, and I set out on our own living in
our car looking for a new home, separate from my brothers. We lasted 3 months
then with help from our old church were able to get into a new place. We lasted
a couple months then moved out due to a crazy infestation with roaches and an
incident involving the youngest of my brothers. Disappointed. We were so close.
So so close. We temporarily moved into a parked trailer in a backyard which we
rented until after about 4 months when the owner decided she no longer wanted
to rent it out and started going coo-coo for coco puffs on us. A lawsuit soon
followed. From there we get to now. 2014. It is august as you know and its been
four months now since the trailer… {I want to say before I discuss the present
how my mom has done her best and my brothers may be a lot of things but they
are still my brothers so please don’t hold any bitter judgements towards them.
This is my story and they are just a part of it. They have their right to the telling of their own stories}
As I sit here with our car door open sitting watching Celest
frolic in the water here at the beach/bay I feel blessed and alive and tired.
As you have read we have moved from one intense situation to another and never
leaving that intense-ness is draining. We have grown and seen so much since
2005. What an uphill battle yet adventure it has been. It is still hard though.
It doesn’t get easier. Maybe we get a little use to it because we know so many
of the ropes now but easier, no.
We sleep in our small black suv at this place called Fiesta
Island. It’s a beach but more of a bay park area. We stay here every night and
have been so lucky the police hasn’t come to bother us to tell us we can’t. Our
car is packed with clothes and food and blankets, our basic necessities. We are so often stared at due to the messy
condition of our car from people everywhere we go. I understand its not a
condition people usually carry their cars in so I can imagine the “woah” that
pops into peoples minds when they see it but some take it a step further and
make a dirty face or make snarky comments and some even call the police because
God forbid that someone live in their car because ITS JUST NOT RIGHT. I’d like
to say that the last part was a joke but sadly its not. I’ve realized that so
many people believe it to be a lifestyle choice. That we CHOOSE to live in our
car and to struggle. That we like it. Then they coincidedly begin to believe
that we are a nuance, a pest, outsiders, people of low moral so the police
should come and do away with us. BECAUSE THINK OF THE CHILDREN. Because God
forbid some privileged children realize that there are people who aren’t as lucky
to have a home. JESUS CHRIST HAVE MERCY, THE HORROR. I become saddened when
these things happen because I am so often reminded the ones who call out our ignorance show
their huge pile of ignorance and lack of empathy so much more. I realize that
there are so many of us without homes that have to try really hard to blend in
and not stick out in the crowd because there is no trying for understanding or
compassion from a lot of people. There are gems though, there are some people
who see us and smile and may not understand or agree or “get it” but they show
compassion anyway. OH how I LOVE to COME ALIVE for those gems. Its THOSE people
that get me going, that fuel me up for another day and help me keep the goal of
getting out of here. You will not get through to people by judging or trying to
fix them that is just about the worst strategy ever that you could use. You create understanding and compassion. You
show up with two listening ears
and no toolbox. I’ve been in many
situations with friends who feel called to be the savior of our story and come
with toolbox in hand to try & fix
what they felt was broken. It has NEVER worked out well because it doesn’t work!! People are not made to fix other people.Even
as good and pure the intentions may be. As a favorite quote of mine says
“You can’t save people. You can only love them”
That’s what we were made for, to LOVE one
another because we BELONG to each other. People are responsible for their own
hearts so it goes hand in hand when I tell you that they are the only ones who
can change/adjust/fix them. NO matter how much you say or do or try and fix it
will do no good if the inscription that makes up their heart is still the same.
Nudges are different. Nudges like smiles and taking time to
hear our stories, bringing us warm food, inviting us to shower at your home,
speaking to us as if we’re no different because reality is WE AREN’T. Us
homeless are real living breathing people who have hurts and scars and stories
and friends and needs and hopes just like anyone else. I have come to know so
many people with incredible stories who don’t have homes and it makes me sad
when people categorize them as something beneath a real person. Does one
deserve compassion until we realize they’re different?? No, but that’s the
truth for some and its heart breaking.
So I say to you who reads this LOVE AND LOVE WELL even if you don’t get
it or understand it or agree with it even if the problem is so evident its
slapping you in the face just LOVE and the healing will come in pursuit. Please
be aware that although I encourage you to listen and love well it is not me
saying to silence yourself. Be loud but also kind. Be fierce but also
compassionate. And leave your toolbox at home, please.
My little family is trying to get back up on our feet again
and it is difficult. Everyday is hard and frustrating and emotions are always
on high and things are said that shouldn't be and cold showers are nice but aren't as nice as hot ones. This is our reality right now more so than ever
before and we are making do with what we've got. We are giving gratitude for
the MANY things we do have.Like food and clean water and family and friends! I
think the best part of sleeping at the beach is letting mother nature do its
thing and sing and heal my heart alive. I love how Celest doesn't ever get
tired of playing in the sand and swimming in the water. I love how my dogs get
to run crazily in the sand because they are big goofs when no life guards or
people are around. I love how we wake up and go to sleep watching the sun. I
love meeting the many people who stay here who also live in their cars and
hearing their stories.I love helping those people and having no one know about
it because they're secret acts of love god and I share. I love watching the ducks and feeding the
pigeons. I love watching a seagull run
around with a whole slice of leftover pizza be chased by 5 other seagulls. I
even like taking cold showers sometimes ‘cause the sun can get so hot here. I
love the sand in my toes and finding sea shells. But even with all those things
its still hard and I'm not saying this for pity because I am so not friends with
pity or anyone who gives it me. Its still hard because I don’t like the sand
that goes absolutely everywhere and in everything, especially my contacts case.
I don’t like cold showers on cold mornings. I don’t like always having cold
food unless heated up in some store(thanks fresh ‘n easy). I don’t like having
to buy ice every single day to keep the food in our cooler fresh. I don’t like how
every weekend the beach where we stay becomes overcrowded. I don’t like the way
I have to walk a ways to get to the public beach bathrooms just to make a pee.
I don’t like setting up our tent on the sand to sleep in at night because they
turn on the sprinklers on the grass. I don’t like sleeping deformed in our car
when nights get too cold or we get lazy too lazy to set up tent. I don’t like having
to get out my clothes from the storage case on top of our car because people
stare so hard and it can get embarrassing. I don’t like going to our storage
unit every day to get some things out or put things back. But what I especially
don’t like is that I can’t say “let’s go home”. Although we do in jokes say Fiesta
island is our home its just not the same. I go to other peoples homes with
pictures on the walls and spilling dirty laundry and dirty dishes and comfy
blankets and I crawl into that sad place of mine because I miss it. I miss not
having to do your laundry so often because it doesn't take up square footage of
sleeping space. I miss hot water and leaving dishes in the sink. I miss leaving
comfy blankets on the couch and cooking on the stove. I miss cold nights in a
warm bed. I miss of all that. Even though I have got into the practice of
giving more gratitude than complaint, I still miss all of that. I miss having
the beach be a maybe rather than a have to. I miss inviting friends and saying
lets go home. Lets go home because I'm tired. I'm so tired.
Truth, reality and pain make a lot people uncomfortable. Understandably, because what do you say?? Well, I'm here to tell you there will never
be a perfect thing to say because each person and each situation is different
so just say what you feel or don’t say anything at all but SHOW UP. I hope you keep an open
mind and heart and you stay here with me and keep up with this series. We can grow together so take a walk with me,
metaphorically, although I love to take real walks too.
If you have any thoughts please feel free to leave them and
share them with me because I do very much love to read them.
Please keep on checking for my next post on this series which I have yet to come up with but none the less will happen.
Be Kind everyone and Love Well.
(Please be aware that this may no longer accurately depict our current situation)
