Devastating Sadness, Me and Church

I was at the park having a picnic with friends when I turned to a soul sister of mine with watery, sad eyes and told her that sometimes I just wanted to go home but then I'd remember that I didn't have one and so upon hearing this she took both of her hands, cupped my face and said gently "I know love. I know." 

A bit later, I leaned against the fence surrounding the playground and let another friend know that I had no idea how to bring my sad energy into my community. I didn't know how to still feel like I belonged while being this sad. This beautiful sister-friend of mine turned to me and said "I get it. I'm right there with you." She told me how lately shes been struggling and that what I just said really hit home. 

Wow, sharing our hearts is scary but great too friends. 

That was weeks ago and today I turned to that same lovely-sister-friend of mine hugged her tight and told her that I was feeling really, really sad. I told her."I feel like I'm crumbling. Crumbling just like a stale muffin." Which then made us both laugh because whaaatt?? We sat together and watched our lovely community in action. Today, we had a church picnic/celebration. We watched the kids play and the adults deep in conversation. Bouncy houses, red faces, painted faces and stuffed faces because always food with us. ALWAYS food. SO many people that I love so very dearly yet I felt so sad. How do I still fit here even though I'm actually quite very sad?? Can I leave before everyone else does because I'm always last and left to remember how everyone has left home and I don't have one. 

When that sinking feeling inside me starts should I keep hugging my friends at random times and sometimes even when they are talking to someone else. Are they tired of me yet? Because sometimes I get tired of this overbearing sadness and I get mean with myself. These things are all things that happen and I still have no words to help with the whole how do I fit here with my sadness thing but I do know that the people you surround yourself with is so very important. That you matter so much that your peoples heart will overflow with kindness and love and you will have to learn to accept it. Today was a great day and I was so sad. That sinky feeling inside was very heavy today but I filled up on the weird, hilarious, super cute details to help myself remember that my sadness isn't everything I am or everything there is. 

Emotions can feel very intense and its hard to see your way out of that but thats why we don't do this life thing alone. Thats why I'm learning to actually reach out to friends, to let my needs be known, to allow myself the vulnerability to feel angry, sad, overwhelmed without all the ugly guilt. Sometimes well most times all we need is someone to say me too. I think the world needs more of that. More me toos and less being bullied by loneliness. Yes, that. 

Good Intentions, Flawed Outcomes

About a month and a half ago we decided to sleep in a different area than we usually do because our usual spot was getting burned out. A cop had already passed by a day before curious to our presence there. We are always very hesitant when a cop comes into contact with us because we never know just what type of cop we will get. Its either the judging "I'm going to do everything in my power to make you feel horrible" type or the ones who actually try for compassion. We don't run into the second type very much but let me tell you a story that meshes these two things together.

I have trouble staying asleep so of course when I finally begin slipping into a deep sleep there is a bright light shining in my face. Cops. A sarcastic "GRrrrreAAAtt" is my initial thought. I wake up my mom because she never wakes up first. We roll down the window and answer the officers questions. We tell them our names and what we're doing here even though that one is a bit obvious because we were asleep. One officer goes to check if any of us have warrants out and they check out minors names under missing children, just in case.They always ask for a bit of a background story to how we got here because curiosity. One officer stayed to listen and the other went to check for resources she could help us with because she couldn't believe we had tried all of them already. Meanwhile, Celest wakes up and whats the first thing she tell this young male officer?? You're probably thinking something like "hi" or "what time is it??" but nope. Celest wakes up and quickly tells the officer that she steals balls and that she ate nothing but pizza at school which by the way, "tasted like box". Great. Perfect. The officer wasn't concerned, not at all concerned. What Celest meant to say was that she steals the ball when playing basketball at school and that she had a bagel sandwich for dinner but pretty much the same thing at 2 'o clock in the morning. The woman officer returned with information we already knew about  but then also calls for her sheriff because "he knows more". This sheriff man arrives and could not be anymore arrogant and judgmental. I'm surprised he didn't make them give us ticket just for the sake of it. He left leaving the woman officer disappointed but she was determined to do something. After about an hour she comes back to tell us she was able to get us a night at a motel in El Cajon. Okay good, hopefully this night will end and I can get enough sleep for work in a couple hours.She asks us to follow her but after flashing my lights at her many times to get her attention I got gas then followed her to the motel, all the way in El Cajon, at three 'o clock in the morning. This room that we would only get a couple hours of sleep in then have to check out early and get stuck in traffic to go 30 minutes back into town to go to work and school. GREAT idea!!! Nope, not really but there we went. We finally got to the motel and she calls for the hotel person and he comes out and tells her that they are sold out. The officer gets frustrated with the people she made this plan with and calls them back up. I sure did not want to be that person on the other side of that phone call. She was pissed. She apologizes to us about the inconvenience then makes other plans for us to sleep at a shelter where they have brought out 3 cots for us to sleep on in their lobby. The second officer arrives and gives us three bags of food he thoughtfully got at a nearby CVS We drive all the way back with now two police cars escorting us back. One in front and one in the back. My mom wouldn't shut up about how cool it felt. I on the other hand was grumpy and very tired. We arrive to this shelter and the officer marches in then comes out about 15 minutes later pretty much stomping back to her patrol car. Close to 4 a.m. now. This wasn't good. She let us know that they had the cots all set up but that they would wake us up at 4 to clean, which was about an hour. She thought it was and I quote "unacceptable" so she said that we could park out front and sleep until day break. She was so sweet and apologized profusely but I couldn't help but wonder how much better it could have been if they had just left us alone after getting the information they needed. They left and we tried to go back to sleep but with it turning 4 everyone inside the shelter came out and talked, very, very loudly. I only got about 4 hours of sleep that night. Wednesday at 7 a.m I got up, got dressed and headed to work. We can do hard things I kept telling myself. 

Although I know the officers intentions were good I will not hide the fact that they weren't helpful. Even when we told them that we tried all the things on many different days and in many different ways. Nobody ever believes us when we say its just hard. Theres always the "oh but, there are so many resources out there" or "you're still homeless 'cause you wanna be" or "you just don't know how to save" all that bullshit is said countless times but I can't stress enough how witnessing these two officers postures go from curious disbelief to great respect helped us feel validated. They didn't believe us before but when they left us that morning they finally got it. They finally understood. 

Okay. I'll take that universe. I will take that. 

Rise again, like the sun

A few days ago, I was sitting alone eating cake while binge watching "Girl Meets World", like adults do, and all the thoughts and feels and things I didn't have time to actually feel throughout my work week were coming to me in a big rushed wave. I went to take a shower then I got dressed and walked around this house we were gifted with house sitting and I held myself. My arms wrapped tightly around my waist because there was nothing left in my ability to ignore or fight all these feelings away so I felt them and there was a lot of hurt. Then as I've been learning to do I reached out to a friend and let her know that I was eating all the things and that I was numb and overwhelmed all at the same time. That I was so deep in the depths that life was giving me an anxiety attack. She responded not too long later with a good long text reaffirming my worth and hope. The sun always rises, remember?? It said.

So, with that I sat down and repeated to myself. "Rise again, like the sun." Sometimes the amount of things that need to be done and the amount of time and money and patience that needs to be present can become scary and overwhelming that I feel like missing work and staying in my comfy safe place. I don't want to meet life right where it is anymore. When and why did I EVER think that was a good idea?? NO. Nope, never again. Whether it be physical or emotional things its all too much so I am just staying within the comforts of my safe little space inside myself. BUT, but then things remind me to rise again. So many things, they're everywhere. Whatever may do it for my soul, I'm reminded "hey! hey you! RISE!" So I do, after some kicking and screaming from my soul ,maybe even during, I rise again, just like the sun.

I wanna get that tattooed some day. 

Rise again, just like the sun friends. Just like the sun always, always does.