I wrote a Mothers Day essay last year and if haven’t read it
then maybe do that now because you’ll have a better understanding of what I
write here today.
Read it? Okay great.
I was sitting in the back seat of a friends car the other
day after picking Celest up from school when Mother’s Day came into the conversation.
I got uneasy real fast. I sat there remembering when I wrote about how Mother’s
Day was hard for me. Friends were reading then private messaging me letting me
know they were thinking of me. I was not left out in the cold, people met me
right there in the hurt and pain. Brutifal.
Celest took out the heavy binder she carries in her backpack
to get some papers she had quickly drawn up for Mothers day and I sat there anticipating,
teetering on the edges of despair and joy. She had a paper with a big heart
smack dab in the middle of it with the words Happy Mothers Day written across
it then at the bottom it said “To mom- From Celest”. I was hanging from the
edge of despair trying to talk myself into feeling okay some damn how. It must
have all shown on my face because she handed me some lose papers with hearts
drawn on them except I laughed and told her that she had put “To Alison” at the
bottom. Life can break your heart a thousand ways to Sunday a wise prophet once
said or maybe that was Bradley cooper in the Silver Linings movie, whatever. As
I felt myself getting into a bad mood I focused on the joy that being able to
mother this child sitting beside me has brought to me. I focused on my
breathing and the scenery just outside the window in hopes of settling down.
Earlier that day I had gotten into an argument just like
I’ve done many times before with my mother. We have a very complicated
relationship, her and I, that’s been strained and stretched by the chaos of
life. Its been a couple years now where Mothers day is not only difficult
because of my reasons with Celest but because the relationship with my mother
has mostly been artificially forced. The shame that comes along with not
wanting to celebrate her is real and very much alive. Don’t get me wrong, I
love my mother, I do, and think shes an amazing woman but due to the intense
situations life has put us through theres just not much left to uphold. We are
only human and am grateful for what we do have but still I have the strong urge
to hide under my blankets until all the commotion passes. Stuffing my face with
pie sounds quite appealing too.
A couple minutes passed and Celest tapped me on the shoulder
to show me another picture she had just drawn to give to mom. I smiled seeing
that all that time we spent practicing her handwriting has paid off. Happy with
my acknowledgment she continued drawing. When she finished she ripped out the
paper then handed it to my mom. She then turned to me and asked me if I would
like one and how could I turn those big dark brown eyes down. I drifted towards
the window again when a little while later a paper was shoved into my hand. It
was a big heart with an arrow through it. I turned to her and asked her why she hadn't written Happy Mother’s Day on it and she said "Oh" so nonchalantly I didn't know whether to burst into tears or rip all my eye lashes off. She
scribbled some words down, smiled then handed it back to me. Oh my, your heart
would explode just as mine did by reading what she wrote at the bottom of that
page.
At the bottom of the page were the words “Happy Nani Day!” I
smiled really big and looked at Celest with gratitude. That little rascal knew
I was happy with her gift and just like a lot of kids her age would she
shrugged her shoulders smirked really big and with an elongated whaaaat made my
heart soar. I have been trying so hard for so long to find an opening that
would bring me to a place of peace with all of this and I've finally been
gifted with it. I don’t need to be wished Happy Mother’s Day by Celest because
I have my own damn day. Celest may not call me mom but she knows that I’m
nothing short of it. I have made such an impact in her life that when I tell
her to write Happy Mother’s Day she writes Happy Nani Day because she feels I
deserve my own day. How heart breakingly beautiful is that.
So even though for the past couple of days I have been avoiding
facebook with its piles of mother’s day posts and even though my own mother and
I have a complicated relationship I will not hide under my blankets this time.
I will feel it all. I will feel the hurt of my life and those of my
friends. I will hold space for all the
mothers who've lost a child, who've never been recognized and with the sons and daughters who have to crawl through today missing their moms and those who feel
shame because of their lack of urge to celebrate. Hurt and gratitude are going
to be snuggled up next to each other today. Pain and beauty are married to each
other forever walking hand in hand.
I have yet to meet a woman who has not mothered someone. We
are all tenderly and fiercely mothering our people and its so freaking
beautiful. Each one of us with our own brutifal stories, I am with you,
remembering you, feeling with you. Standing with soft strength at the shore letting
the waves bring in hurt while simultaneously soothing it away. I may stuff my
face today with lots and lots of food all the while thinking of the beautiful
mothers dreading and celebrating today. You’ll find me snuggling next to hurt
and gratitude.
PS. About the picture, it was just a stamp. One day maybe.
