To Those Who May Love Me

To those who may love me,
oh won't you forgive me
for the countless times I am blind to see your love for me.

and for the many days I question it.

How often do I miss the spark in your eyes ignited by my laughter.

or the joy illuminated in you by my sole presence

How unawake am I that I cannot hear when you silently beg of me to be present 

with each warm embrace

Forgive me for pain engulfs me so

 I miss the creative ways you express your adoration for me.

So unaware, I fail to notice your recharged patience for me 

or

The glances you give to me with a sole purpose to remind me,
 you remember, see and have not forgotten me.

 Forgive me when I miss,

the hellos meant to take away every memory of goodbye

 the seconds and minutes used up thinking of me

the prayers spoken aloud for me with thoughtful words

the smiles thrown my way that go untouched by my eyes

the effervescent songs of respect that remain unheard

Forgive me for the many times I can forget to express my gratitude 

and my growing love for you.

But forgive me most for getting so caught up in my universe 

that I forget to remember you and 

all the galaxies that are within YOU.

Slow and Steady.

I struggle with saying yes when someone asks me to hang out or when invited to a social event because one I am really quite awkward, like never knowing how to do small talk or never knowing what to do with my hands or the whole body or even those pockets of air I get while talking that I have no idea how to describe. Second, I am quite weird and silly and loud. I have one of those very distinct loud dying walrus type laughs, you know the kind. All those things combined is like when Olaf from the movie Frozen thought of the color yellow with snow "Yellow and snow? No go." Now don't get me wrong I've accepted myself and love who I am now but not many people are truly accepting or really ready for all of THIS. Which is fine because not everyone will like you or you won't always "click" with everyone either. Most of us tend to lean toward surrounding ourselves with people who are similar to ourselves so when are met with someone who thinks, talks, walks much differently we tend to judge, turn away or disconnect. I used to robotic-ally do life this way. I would be confronted with something different and I'd feel unsteady and insecure so I would disconnect. The world showed me that it thought different was bad. Change and questions were especially bad, bad, bad! I was already being shown how different I was and with all the questions I always thought about asking the fear began to take over. Oh, how quickly fear engulfed me. It called me friend, said it loved me and I naively believed.

 I learned to hide myself and I toned myself down A LOT. I laughed softer and restrained myself from adding or disagreeing to any thought or conversation. I took away my voice. I destroyed myself little by little by making myself feel like I was too much for the world and if I wanted to have relationships with people then I would need to become less me. That is the only way, I'd tell myself. I even convinced myself that who I was wasn't really the real me, it was just the messy, sharp edged me that just needed a little buffering. I wanted to buffer out everything that made me myself. I wanted to become bits and parts of other peoples perfection and drop the very bits and pieces of my own. I spiraled into hating myself very quickly. Big Surprise there right? I was cruel and vicious to my own self.

The poem below gave me comfort and by comfort I mean it ripped my heart to shreds in the best possible way.

"And you tried to change, didn’t you? Closed your mouth more. 

Tried to be softer, prettier, less volatile, less awake.
You can’t make homes out of human beings. 

Someone should have already told you that. 

And if he wants to leave, then let him leave. 

You are terrifying, and strange, and beautiful. 

Something not everyone knows how to love."

 -Warsan Shire, For Women Who Are Difficult To Love

 I've come a long way since then. I continue to set myself free and stopped silencing myself. I remind myself everyday that I am important, smart and need to be heard. I understand now that not everyone will like or click with me, which is something I work to be fine with. Some people will get annoyed by me but others will laugh and love me. I've learned that the more I try to please everyone, the more I will never reach my full potential of being who I am. I need to stop belittling myself and let myself take up as much space as I need. I struggle a whole lot with all of this but its a process. Every time I free myself from my chains and prisons, I flourish. I use my wings and fly.

This is where I am, right now, reminding myself to expand, to take up space, to disagree, to be loud and not hate myself afterward because of it all. I must allow myself to come up with ideas but the most important one is to love myself. 
Slow and Steady. Slow and Steady.

“The first step to loving yourself
begins with the words,
‘I matter.’
You deserve to occupy space.
You deserve to stand up for yourself
and claim your right to happiness.
You deserve to be here,
just as much as
anyone else.”

-Tina Tran, Self care  "You will always be too much of something for someone, too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy. If you round out your edges, you lose your edge. Apologize for mistakes. Apologize for unintentionally hurting someone--profusely. But don't apologize for being who you are." -Danielle Laporte