Hummingbird Beauty

We rescued a baby hummingbird just now from a huge terrifying parking lot. It kept trying to fly but kept slipping and plummeting to the ground. At first I let it go thinking it could fly but I soon realized it was too small so we put it in Celests soft pocket and continued walking, terrified and concerned out of our minds for this precious creature. I looked online because google always knows. I read and walked, miraculously not walking into anything or tripping. Google said to call the professionals if there was no nest around or sign it could fly away on its own. So we continued walking and I remembered we stay right by a animal hospital so we walked faster. My legs began to shake and my heart was pounding so much I felt like I was going to throw up. I was terrified because this gentle, beautiful creature's well-being fell into our hands. Literally! We were almost there when Celest reminded me of her bird book and how it says that hummingbirds are said to be peace and healing. OH NO BIG DEAL because we were only carrying the mascot of life!!!!! My stomach turned into knots and my mind was going a thousand miles per hour. I could not process what was happening but I was trying and it was scary and invigorating at the same time kinda like life. I hope we're doing the right thing I kept repeating to myself. Oh please let this be okay. Let us be doing the right thing. I'd check up on it every couple minutes and it would stare at me with such trust that my heart would swell up and exolode until tears were running down my face. We got to the vets and I told them what happened and they called the special people and right before leaving her she stared at me for what felt like eternity and it was so sweet my heart did like fireworks. You gonna be okay, baby. You gonna be strong and fly some day soon.

We left and now I'm here reminiscing. Tearing up from the beauty. Lifes been especially hard lately and not just for me but for my peoples so hearts are heavy all around.

Hope just doesn't seem to hang around me amd my grumpy, hurt self anymore and healing well I keep on trying to hold hands with it but my hands keep slipping.

This made me rethink stuff.

Sometimes healing and hope aren't big, strong fliers sometimes they can come to us gentle and small. Maybe this whole time i was looking for big, loud and bold when i should have been searching for the small, gentle and fierce. The stuff we can nurture and hold it in a soft warm pocket inside ourselves and maybe its okay if its not loud and maybe its okay if we need to nurture these things. Maybe thats how we make it. Gently, slowly, bravely. Flying then plummeting then resting then trying again.

I find comfort in knowing my healing, hope, courage WHATEVER it is for each of us doesn't need to be huge and bold. It can be small and clumsy and still be fierce and beautiful.

I'm gonna go shed a few tears and air out because apparently sweat doesn't care if you're having a moment.

Did you get all that? I sure hope I made sense. ❤

Theres Something About Mothers Day

I wrote a Mothers Day essay last year and if haven’t read it then maybe do that now because you’ll have a better understanding of what I write here today.

That’s here.

Read it? Okay great.

I was sitting in the back seat of a friends car the other day after picking Celest up from school when Mother’s Day came into the conversation. I got uneasy real fast. I sat there remembering when I wrote about how Mother’s Day was hard for me. Friends were reading then private messaging me letting me know they were thinking of me. I was not left out in the cold, people met me right there in the hurt and pain. Brutifal.

Celest took out the heavy binder she carries in her backpack to get some papers she had quickly drawn up for Mothers day and I sat there anticipating, teetering on the edges of despair and joy. She had a paper with a big heart smack dab in the middle of it with the words Happy Mothers Day written across it then at the bottom it said “To mom- From Celest”. I was hanging from the edge of despair trying to talk myself into feeling okay some damn how. It must have all shown on my face because she handed me some lose papers with hearts drawn on them except I laughed and told her that she had put “To Alison” at the bottom. Life can break your heart a thousand ways to Sunday a wise prophet once said or maybe that was Bradley cooper in the Silver Linings movie, whatever. As I felt myself getting into a bad mood I focused on the joy that being able to mother this child sitting beside me has brought to me. I focused on my breathing and the scenery just outside the window in hopes of settling down.

Earlier that day I had gotten into an argument just like I’ve done many times before with my mother. We have a very complicated relationship, her and I, that’s been strained and stretched by the chaos of life. Its been a couple years now where Mothers day is not only difficult because of my reasons with Celest but because the relationship with my mother has mostly been artificially forced. The shame that comes along with not wanting to celebrate her is real and very much alive. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother, I do, and think shes an amazing woman but due to the intense situations life has put us through theres just not much left to uphold. We are only human and am grateful for what we do have but still I have the strong urge to hide under my blankets until all the commotion passes. Stuffing my face with pie sounds quite appealing too.

A couple minutes passed and Celest tapped me on the shoulder to show me another picture she had just drawn to give to mom. I smiled seeing that all that time we spent practicing her handwriting has paid off. Happy with my acknowledgment she continued drawing. When she finished she ripped out the paper then handed it to my mom. She then turned to me and asked me if I would like one and how could I turn those big dark brown eyes down. I drifted towards the window again when a little while later a paper was shoved into my hand. It was a big heart with an arrow through it. I turned to her and asked her why she hadn't written Happy Mother’s Day on it and she said "Oh" so nonchalantly I didn't know whether to burst into tears or rip all my eye lashes off. She scribbled some words down, smiled then handed it back to me. Oh my, your heart would explode just as mine did by reading what she wrote at the bottom of that page.

At the bottom of the page were the words “Happy Nani Day!” I smiled really big and looked at Celest with gratitude. That little rascal knew I was happy with her gift and just like a lot of kids her age would she shrugged her shoulders smirked really big and with an elongated whaaaat made my heart soar. I have been trying so hard for so long to find an opening that would bring me to a place of peace with all of this and I've finally been gifted with it. I don’t need to be wished Happy Mother’s Day by Celest because I have my own damn day. Celest may not call me mom but she knows that I’m nothing short of it. I have made such an impact in her life that when I tell her to write Happy Mother’s Day she writes Happy Nani Day because she feels I deserve my own day. How heart breakingly beautiful is that.

So even though for the past couple of days I have been avoiding facebook with its piles of mother’s day posts and even though my own mother and I have a complicated relationship I will not hide under my blankets this time. I will feel it all. I will feel the hurt of my life and those of my friends.  I will hold space for all the mothers who've lost a child, who've never been recognized and with the sons and daughters who have to crawl through today missing their moms and those who feel shame because of their lack of urge to celebrate. Hurt and gratitude are going to be snuggled up next to each other today. Pain and beauty are married to each other forever walking hand in hand.

I have yet to meet a woman who has not mothered someone. We are all tenderly and fiercely mothering our people and its so freaking beautiful. Each one of us with our own brutifal stories, I am with you, remembering you, feeling with you. Standing with soft strength at the shore letting the waves bring in hurt while simultaneously soothing it away. I may stuff my face today with lots and lots of food all the while thinking of the beautiful mothers dreading and celebrating today. You’ll find me snuggling next to hurt and gratitude. 

PS. About the picture, it was just a stamp. One day maybe. 

Take Me To Where I Heal

When I get too far gone,

and I shield my face from yours

and my ability to hold back tears disappears

lead me to the ocean,

show me how Mother Nature lets her water flow freely

and the day my insecurities get the best of me

take me to a top of a hill,

the wind will flow right through the spaces of me

and curve itself around the rest

reminding me of my wings and the freedom I posses

this is when I will begin to feel as a part of the universe once again

frustration will overwhelm me

and peace will leave me

and so when it does 

lay me down in a soft spot

I'll look up to the trees and see their shapes

remembering how through winds and rains they still grow,
 survive, and continue still to the next day

some are bent and some crooked

remembering how I can live like they do

bent or crooked

 withstanding the winds and rain

take me to where I heal 

and help me to remember

I am the universe bundled up in skin and birthmarks

take me to where I heal

so that I may see my scars in a different light

take me to where I heal

so that I may find hope again