What Are Boundaries Even

Okay, so I guess by now we know that I am not good at writing consistently. As I sat on my couch Wednesday afternoon I remembered and told myself I should probably go do that but did I actually turn Hulu off and go do it? Hah nope! Instead I binge watched Veronica Marz some more. Good show by the way, its fun to see all the spots in town I can call out and recognize while watching.

Some part of me really want to feel a bit more relaxed in my posts because of the lack of following but another part of me really wants to um you know... NOT half ass it. They fight. At least now, I don't have to worry about where I am going to plug the computer into or how much daylight I have left in order to see the keyboard. Do you know how uncomfortable it is to write on a laptop while sitting in the drivers seat? My neck and back were both screaming at me by the end of it.

Now I just have to remind myself that self care is also disciplinary care. That taking care of myself is making habits that will create momentum for my inner peace to prosper. Self care can't always look like binge watching and eating cereal on the couch after dinner. Although, it is quite a beautiful experience. I have to make myself do more to cultivate my creativity. I have to incorporate scrapbooking, journaling, coloring, painting, writing into my days so I can help the nagging, dragging demons from making me feel like shit. I can't just continue to jump from one social media app to another hoping to cover up how uncomfortable I feel.

Uncomfortable is how I've been describing how I feel lately. Just unsettled. Unable to find a place I can sit still. I don't want to be at work and I don't
want to be at home yet I do? I feel dead inside or is that just adulthood? Nope, nope its poor people adulthood because you know very well rich people sleep well at night knowing they have an excess of money after bills. Way off topic, one of my triggers apparently?

Anyway,  I think for so long this was the pivotal step. Getting a home and a stable job that can pay for my bills; being able to pay rent on my own. For the longest time that was the goal, for years. If only I can just get there I'd repeat to myself. Once I reach that step then the rest will work itself out. Pfffft, HAH oh innocent one. You all would be surprised to know that managing my money, the calculations and getting creative with allocating the money to last enough to get me through until payday is not the problem for me. Its actually a strong suit for me. The hardest part is setting up boundaries between my family and I.

Enforcing those boundaries while also not allowing them to rip away at me; to completely destabilize my entire being. Finding the strength to not allow guilt to somehow trick its way inside and ruin all the healing I've made. Detaching myself from unhealthy default settings and creating a new rhythm for ones that allow healing and create peace. I don't have any of that down so I keep my mind moving not allowing it to settle down so I don't freak out because I have no idea how to handle any of it. I watch tv while looking through my phone. My job is fast paced but still when I get unraveled by what happens at home then somehow my disposition for getting things done gets scrambled and I have to work twice as hard to actually do my job. My patience at work is whittled down to almost nothing and I'm not sure if that's because customer service does that to a person or if its because of build up from everything else...or both???

I'm unsure of how to navigate all of this but I am trying. I am the first in my family for all these things so the moves I make will greatly impact the domino effect on everyone else lives. I don't have anyone to learn from. I don't have someone elses story to take notes from. I am trying to keep an open mind as well as think things through thoroughly without coming undone.

I'm managing.

There are somedays that are actually quite nice. The rest, well I try to let them go. There'd be too many to keep; I mean where would one store all of those bad days? You shove them deep down inside??? Oh right, crap. Somedays I can feel the shittyness bubbling and I just say nope to the day then strut my grumpy pants all through town. It be like that sometimes.

Have you ever had to put up a boundary or several towards people you are close to and it got complicated? How?

Any thing you've learned from a personal experience or someone else's that you think would be helpful?

Are grumpy pants appropriate work attire?? Explain.