It Doesnt Always Rain Like It Thunders

I know I have been missing posts on Friday and well turns out that with my laptop being out of order its a lot harder and close to impossible to get posts done. I am still awaiting a miracle when it comes to my dear laptop.

If you have netflix I suggest you go watch "The Breadwinner" it is an amazing, really well choreographed story. Which is, by the way, where my title came from. The main character is a young girl whose father is imprisoned without charge and so she pretends to be a boy in order to work and get money to feed her family. Its a story that I believe everyone should see. This is a narrative that is ever rarely if at all given a chance to be seen and showcased on such a platform.  Anyway, it inspired me to come on here and write. SO here I am.

I have had quite a week where my work situatiin isnt getting any better. The coworker that has been making work life unbearable seems to be unable to work in a profesional manner. Just on Friday as I was sitting in the employees lounge eating after my shift she came and began to complain very loudly to me. After letting her kniw that because she was beijg unreceptive that I was not and would not participate in a conversation with her but still she went on, I was so close to cussing her out and any minute more I would have gotten out of my chair and slapped her. But because surprisingly I know how be professional and act like an adult, I didnt. I didnt want to incriminate myself with such a reaction that she could use later on against me in her will to tear me down. With three tacos in my belly I stormed out of there.

As I thought about what happened through the rest of the day I realized I felt like screaming "I quit" because of the lack of consequences that my intolerable coworker recieves. I although for one didnt want to give her the satisfaction, again, because by the way a coworker has already quit before due to a similiar situation and second my family and I cannot afford for me to quit. I can barely afford life now and I get paid!

Also, my car needs more work done and although it takes all my time and money, did I mention money? I have to do it. This car is our entire life. Without it our lives would go from kinda shitty and tough to what else is there besides shitty and shitty again? So I am doing it little by little. Getting car parts one at a time and having to wait until I have a pair or so to begin repairs. Things take time, I know, I just hope that my car can hold it together inbetween times.

I also finally went and got us some gym memberships. We came to the point where we were running on 2 weeks without a shower and I had run out of friends to ask. Friends who were readily willing and available. Its going to become an extra big expense but I feel like we've gotten some of ourselves back with it. The feeling of not being in control of your hygeine is a heavy and tasking weight for a person. The feeling of not being able to enjoy the shower for fear of taking too long or making too much noise takes from a person.

Take. Take. Take.

Seems like all everything knows how to do is take and you have to constantly rearrange the pieces to keep from crumbling over.

I think thats where exhaustion is. In the rearranging of ourselves. As creatures of habit the unavoidable everchanging rhythm of life keep us on our spirtual toes. Right when we think we got it handled and coherent something goes awrye. But I also think thats where our power is made. We become imaginative and resourceful. Resilient.

We get taken from and so we find a new way to recieve. 

Before I start to overthink everything here I want to say that I think everytime I feel like crumbling, I do, but then I re-adjust. re-arrange and without even realizing it I get on my way again.

 I think people are graceful in that way, in all of our clumsy dances to find out we can in all the moments we thought we couldn't.


Song of the week:

Sweet Creature - Harry Styles

Until next time
-Analaura

What Makes Us Feel Okay

Photo taken by L.M.

So with my laptop still being "under the weather" I have resorted to my tablet until further notice. Which in retrospect sounds a bit privileged so I will refrain my complaints about this.

This week I wanted to explore the idea of what makes us feel "okay" in the context of when someone is particularly unhappy. What relieves the ache. What diffuses. What allows us to breathe again. What in the middle of everything can make us feel like we can easily take a breathe again.

I know the answers are different and ever changing for everybody so please know that what diffuses for me may/can/will be different to what diffuses for you.

I find myself always at a constant of searching for more in myself than the numb and sadness. What else is in that huge hoarding pile of feelings. There has to be joy or peace or something like that somewhere in here. I always seem to be blind to it as if my sight is selective. I think from feeling numb for so long I've felt at a loss when it comes to much else. I mean I let out a laugh or two day to day and find amusement in random things. I feel kindness to my friends so I get stumped when I think back to those things and try to convince myself that is one of the many ways joy can look like. I seem to feel this emotion that can't be described in any other way than the lazily shrugging of shoulders. Its like I remain unmoved by the evidence that joy is not the stranger I claim it to be.

Hey, um didnt you hear???? You aren't just a walking talking robot built from fuckery buuut nope all that I get is just the metaphorical shrugging of my souls shoulders

I think I can come to discover that I can feel much more than what my current range of emotion allows me to. I think I have to become more trusting and believe that the times of laughter and kindness and peace are not or will not ever be forgotten by my soul. Perhaps my soul has found the loop hole to misery. MAYBE just maybe this entire time I thought I was failing at feeling okay I had been completely ignoring the fact that I was even able to participate.

This week has been pretty straighforward. Go to work, get out, pick up Celest, go get some wifi then head to our designated lot for the night. Of course days like yesterday when we went from picking up Celest to the storage right up until they closed is a nice change of pace. My work week hasn't been stressful, I actually really enjoy my co-workers company so when I get to work with her 3-4 days out of the six days I'm at work I'm grateful. I made a co-worker laugh once or twice and that always make me feel okay for a couple seconds. It reminds me that I can be funny. My dogs are always happy to see me and taking them to an empty park where they just ran around made me so happy. You should have seen their faces. Watching new episodes of our favorite shows on netflix and hulu with my mom and Celest make me feel okay. Hearing from Lori, my best friend, makes me feel okay. Organizing things putting them where they belong or making a space for something is comforting to me.

We often go to our favorite thrift store and so often I see small dining sets and wooden bookshelves that if I had a home I would refurbish and that does not make me feel okay. In fact it tears me a part inside because I'd like to have a home that I can make homey but instead I stand back and watch everyone else do it for theirs.

My sadness is ever present but hopefully I will never stop looking for the things that make me feel okay. We need those things after all so recognizing what those things actually ARE is really important. Maybe one day I can look back to the things that make me feel okay and not have a shrugging of shoulders reaction. Maybe I can have the reaction that my dogs have after running around at the park. Pure contentment.

One can only hope.

I hope to have a more interesting in depth much more revised post next week but for now this is all I got. Sorry, kinda.

Until next Friday,

-Analaura

Songs of the week:

Stay- Sara Bareilles

My Love Is Like A Star - Demi Lovato