Hope is important and most of the time anything important and/or significant is at one point or at other times entirely painful. Sad AND happy is the paradoxical normal of the universe. Pain and healing go together. Hope being painful is not always the truth in every situation but in a deprived, suffocated, and overwhelming period of ones journey it can be.
Hope being painful is for the people who have learned how to make a home inside the storm. Not out of choice but by severe necessity. Hope at first is motivating but eventually hope just gets annoying and annoying I mean too painful to bring around. Hope is the dream of it getting better. Hope is looking forward to the brighter tomorrow. But what happens when tomorrow doesn't get better? After a while its too difficult to keep believing because its much too tiring. Life can make you feel like a fool too. When you are in a upheaval to get your life to a safe place dreaming ahead can be helpful. Hoping to ones highest ability for a change of course can be/is a helpful tool. I do not discredit this but also in a long journey there is a point where it becomes easier to just continue moving instead of enthusiastically hoping.
That was something I wrote up a month or two ago. I must have had an extra rough week. But I must have fell asleep before i could finish. I did say something though that struck a cord in me after reading this today.
Enthusiastically hoping.
Is that how hope works? Is hope only enthusiastic? I think that is how its advertised to us. Hope is the shiny and bright during the bleak. So does that mean that hope can't be be dreary, weak, maybe a bit dirty or confused? Am I doing this hope thing all wrong then??
Hope and Grace are the most powerful forces in the universe. Do you think they would conform to one specific definition? Nah, thats way too boring and exclusive. Hope fights to stay with us. Hope fights to stay alive in us. Hope grows and shrinks in the same way our lives fluctuate but it will not wither and die. No matter how determined you are to believe it has.
Continuously through the extreme, rough and bumpy through the impossible we think now how the fuck am I going to get through THIS? but we do. No matter what way we went about it. Wearily, quietly, kicking and screaming, crawling, angrily, gracefully, quickly,slowly dammit we got through it and then its just right along into the next adventure. Whatever the hell that may be.
Hope doesn't sit anything out. Hopes attached itself to us forever. It becomes whatever it needs to be in order to stay within us. So no, enthusiastically isn't the only way hope comes. Hope is the badass in the leather jacket and its also the weary kind friend.
I think I maxed out the number of times one can use the word hope in an essay but zero fucks given.
This week was something. At work I was blamed for all the things being wrong by another receptionist which caused anger and frustration and even insecurity. Then out of work I am overwhelmed with bills and exasperated by how even homelessness can't escape the wrath of bills. The lottery would solve this. Hah, wishful thinking. But we also got offered a blanket yesterday morning by a woman in a military uniform while preparing to head to our destinations for the day and the fast food restaurant we frequent gave us 2 free things the past two days. We were able to cook with our camping stove today and eat a "home" cooked meal. Percy got really tummy sick this week and cars broke down. My best friend lost her best friend-her doggy and I wept while leaving work to grieve with her. I got a house sitting opportunity in May and I was ecstatic upon hearing the news but also grief stricken because I'd love to be in a home by then. January is almost gone and I'm terrified. Take care of us 2018.
Until next Friday.
-Analaura
Song of the week: "26" - Paramore
