Analaura, Speak your Truths: The Transition From Chronically Homeless To Not, Part 1

July 17th, 2018:

Spirit buried down deep in our pockets. Sadness permeating the environment as per usual. Deep breath. I drive up the big hill with the clock now taunting me and my anxiety rising. We are gonna be late and we are gonna miss him. Shit. This maps app just said we arrived but the address is not correct. I park on the side of the road. The fear of the car falling off the side of the cliff side runs through my head like a movie scene. I distract myself with looking for the correct numbers. We walk down some stairs and still with no luck we walk back to the car defeated. Spirit being shoved deeper and deeper. Just a waste of time. We should just leave, who cares. Deep breath. I take my phone out and sent a text that we can't find the place. Moments later a reply with directions. Lets just go, text back never mind. We have to be somewhere. Who cares, we wont get it anyway. Deep Breath. Try Again. We drive through an alley like street that's part dirt and black faded road. I better not get a nail in my tire. That's all we need. I find parking and my anxiety is making my hands shake. The dogs better not bark and nobody call the cops cause we are going to be right back. Yes, I know its really hot outside. Deep Breath. That's it! That's the address, we've found it. As we walk up I've already picked 5 things I don't like about it. The newly painted baby blue trying its best to conceal the age and decay of the building. Its working, mostly. Its upstairs. This is stupid. We won't get it so why even apply. Why did we waste gas and energy coming over here. Lets turn back before he hears us coming. Deep breath. We hear a deep voice yell out come in from the top of the stairs. Here we go.

An hour later we walk back to the car in disbelief. He liked us. He really liked us. The dogs didn't bark either. The place is perfect too. I mean, to us it is. The hardwood floors and outdoor space. He waived the application fee when I hesitated. Interfaith, the organization that's helping us find a place said they would cover these costs but since it was all last minute and I had exactly $13 in my account, I had to stall. I tried to play it off with the I don't have any cash on me sorta thing but he simplified it all with "Go the ATM and come back". I don't quite remember exactly what I said in reply but it did not make sense whatsoever. I'm great at this sorta thing. He ended up deciding to waive the fee and also said he would put our application on top of the pile. We said our thank yous but still felt disappointment. Holding our spirits hostage. Shoving them down deeper in our pockets as to not have a slip up. Not believing this was finally it. It always ended the same. We fall in love with the place. We have a great conversation with the owner. They say excitedly how we have a good chance of getting it then to no ones surprise we don't get it. Its a heartbreak game and this time around we didn't have much left for them to break.

The next day I received a text at work asking if we could come to the house to meet again. My spirit busting out of the darkness upon reading it. Oh shit, he was serious. We might actually get it this time. Whaaaaaaat.

This isn't real right?? We are gonna go meet with them and one of us will end up saying no. There were so many moments during the conversation with them where I wanted to abort mission. Oh, we pay water every 2 months? That's too bad, never mind, bye! Oh, the neighbors are nice? That's probably bullshit, BYE! Yes its close to the freeway but its far from my work so BYE! "What the hell is happening right now and what are we doing???" Kept replaying in my head.

We were outback when the landlord turned to me and asked who would be the main one paying the rent. I tried to seem confident as if i'd done this before. Holding my back straight and trying to keep my voice from cracking I answered. Then with the sun beating down and a smirk on his face he said, "Well, yes. You got the place." It felt surreal. It felt like a play by play from The Price Is Right. Yes, Analaura you are the winner of this not new but new to you houuussse!!! Moving in sold separately.

When it came down to the money talk. I was nervous how do you tell your landlord your reliable but also that you have an organization that's going to pay for the deposit and some of the rent because you can't?

I led on to tell them that an organization helps low income families. Although a little confused they accepted.

This is where it all began. As we walked back to the car I made sure to soak up everything around me. I needed to remember this moment. This walk back to the car knowing this was the moment we had all been waiting for so many years.