Full of Suffering and Overcoming

I am in a place right now where my tired soul is sitting in a dark corner. I am overwhelmed and tired and in pain and bleeding and confused and stuck and lost but also fine and centered and full of wonder and growth and I’m flourishing and thriving all at once. I am good and sad and tired and raw and healing and nourished all at the same time.

In the midst of all the tired that we are there is life and beauty and precious treasure. What a loss it can be when it all becomes too much and in turn we get lost under all the weight. The heaviness feels as if it’s sinking us into some unknown abyss and the sorrows overflowing from too many places to give full attention to. The hope in which we own buckets full can lose its endurance and dry up. The ever present idea in which the world doesn't run on fair gets loud and closer than ever before. The uncomfortable slap in the face that reminds us that what we want is not ever necessarily what we get even if we work for it. Among all the different forms that we can be tired in there is much flowing beauty that we can become indifferent to. 

I am trying to see the light and beautiful moments that happen in my life every single day among all the chaos. Every day there is at least one moment made up of pure light and beauty. I try to not let the weight I carry slow me down. I don’t want my life or situation as difficult it may be to box me up into complete bitter unhappiness. I long to move forward and experience beautiful moments. I want to feel, I mean really feel, those moments. Especially when I'm with good company. The moments of laughter and love and right nows. I want to be a safe place for others too instead of always being so caught up in my own world. I want to experience all the good things that are already in my life and the good things that are happening. I don't want to miss those good moments because I'm to busy focusing on the bad. I don’t want to miss the kind and tender moments life gives to me. I don't want to miss the beauty in my life because oh how bleak it is when I do. I want to be awake to feel moments. I want to be alive, really alive not just a breathing body. This is difficult because so many other things are taking up all my energy and there are times where I don't have anything left of myself to use to be awake and nourish my soul. I am trying to survive and thrive all at once. Most days I do more surviving than thriving. That frustrates me incredibly. I am impatient and the slow progress and small steps in which I thrive in are very frustrating. But I don't want to look back at this time and remember only sad things. I want to remember the beautiful moments more. I want to remember the people who sat with me while I was crying or when I become too numb to say a thing.I don't want to be so tired I miss my life. I want to remember the times I laughed and smiled genuinely despite the pain. I want to remember the bits of healing through the bleeding of myself. I want to feel the light and warmth during this difficult time. I also want to be aware enough to still be a light for others and to be able to create beautiful moments in the middle of my chaos.

I know that the breaking of me can be the beginning of great transformation and growth. I truly believe in using pain as fuel for growth. I recognize that where I am is a great platform to transform. I know that I will look back at this particular time of my life and be grateful for my strength and friends and good meals and belly laughs. I know I will look back and see all the beauty and I am going to wish that I had felt things more deeply. I am trying to do so but right now in the middle of it I am not thankful...I am tired and want this episode to be over already.

Beautiful tender moments are vital for the continuance in my journey. Life can bang and beat and tear you apart. It is never as gentle as we would hope it to be. I don't want to miss those precious moments because they can fuel me to keep going because as much as we hurt and bleed and ache we must continue to keep on. Tired you may be or may become but we must not give up yet. We must not yield to the weight of which each of us carries. We must search for peace. We must not forget that there is so much more to life than pain and suffering. There is beauty and light among it all.

There is a pivotal point in each of our lives I believe at a time in which you become tired of getting beaten and hit and torn apart by life and must make an important decision. We must choose whether we will keep moving forward using it all as fuel for growth all while staying soft and vulnerable or if we will want to chain it all onto our souls to weigh ourselves down and in turn become guarded and hard. I refuse to settle with being a victim just because life has happened to hit really hard. I am choosing not to stay in the hole I dug just for my tired 'ol self. Every day I choose. I choose to keep going. Sometimes it gets so hard I don’t even recognize myself. Sometimes some people look at me and see nothing but sad eyes. I am trying though you see. I have not stopped putting one foot in front of the other and doing the next right thing. 

Lets keep doing that. 

Lets keep crawling out of the hole or caves or corners or whatever 

we put ourselves in. 
Lets keep on.
 Lets continue on our journey. 
Lets keep making the decision to stay fully alive. 
To feel things more deeply.
To feel all those beautiful moments
and to be present enough to also create them.

I have not lost my will to stay fully, completely, beautifully, painfully alive. 

Don't lose your will.

Rise friends, Rise!