Seed of Hope in My Pocket

           I was having ice cream with a friend the other day to unload bit of our hearts which is a thing that we do quite often, the eat ice cream part. We speak of all the unfair things in the world and in our lives and we talk about in which ways our hearts hurt and how they heal and soar. I have been in hiding for a while not speaking to anyone but who I must and this was the first time seeing her after about a month. She spoke and we hurt and we laughed and we wanted to cry and then when it was my turn and she asked me the pivotal question of how I am I...

            

JUST KIDDING!! 

But a Friends reference is always a good reference.

             ...I told her a little bit of what I could muster out of myself and I wanted to share some of that truth with you, here and now.

                I feel as if everything inside of me is telling me and trying to convince me that I am fine but I know that deep down I am not fine and I don’t want to allow myself to believe I am and it is so much more than just a form of trying to give my soul rest, it is much deeper than that now. It has been a long time now, too long and my soul is running out of ways to cope. I keep on repositioning myself to try to give parts of myself relief. For a couple weeks coping could look like overdosing on love and hugs from my friends. The next month I could reposition and isolate myself away from everyone. My coping looks like many things and I have yet to find a way to make myself comfortable. That’s what I have been searching for, a comfortable way of living and breathing in this situation even though I know that there is no such thing. I cannot find comfort in such an uncomfortable situation. There is absolutely no way of staying fully aware and conscious and at the same time being fine. The only way for me to be fine in such a situation is for me to stop caring.  The day I become comfortable in an uncomfortable situation is the day you need to be concerned. The day I no longer respond to my situation is the day I lay my shield down and forfeit. That is the day I will no longer move forward. That is the day that I am trying to not allow to arrive. I must not allow myself to become comfortable, to become fine here right now. This instability should make me sad and frustrated and overwhelmed and many, many more things but never fine. I understand the worry and sorrow it brings my friends to see me filled with such emotion and faced with such grief and they must become frustrated due to their lack of ability to help me change the situation but as hard as I know it is you must not allow me to become fine. There is undeniably an uneasiness that comes along with seeing a friend not be okay for quite a bit of time. I love that as humans our insides pound with the need to remove pain and weight from others who are loaded with it. There is something irresistibly beautiful about humans and our knee jerk reactions with seeing others in pain that makes us want to lessen it, if at all possible. I believe in human connection just as much as I believe in the magic of sunsets. Yes, I will always continue to discover and remove branches of unhealthiness so that I may have less anger, resentment, and frustration. I will also most likely continue to make choices to help myself come alive much more often. I do want to nurture my center to allow myself the blessed experiences of joy and peace. I want to do those things for myself but right now those things are not my main focus. Currently, all I must do for myself and my family right now is to stay uncomfortable.

             I know that my life will not always be this uncomfortable. I know that at some point things will shift. Right?? Things will shift. Yes, that.
             I need to believe that as long as I keep that seed of hope in my pocket I will be able to carry on. I need to believe that I will stay motivated to keep moving forward and trust that my friends will lift me up and validate all these raw feelings of mine and hopefully understand my coping. I need to believe in that seed of hope in my pocket. I need to believe that the tomorrow I'm hoping for will come but I also cannot believe that it will come on its own. I must stay uncomfortable, as unfortunate and brutal that is.

This will NOT be my forever.

Keep the seed of hope in your pocket, friends. 

Seed of hope will get us through.