So...here I am, Daring myself to keep trying. Daring myself to believe in the possibility of soaring above my pain. Of becoming much bigger than the selfish petty parts of who I am. Daring to love myself despite the mistakes I continue to make out of fear or ignorance. Fiercely fighting the many thoughts that hinder me when I listen. The ones inside my head that tell me I should know better or do better or be better. The very ones that tell me I'm too much or just not enough.
I am daring myself to keep on trying because I forget that I need to continue. There are times I get so tired of trying and not getting or being what I would like to that I become cold and hard. I look out into the world trying to remember like a dementia patient but no luck. But somehow I get pulled back into the trying world, sometimes in the midst of life I get invitations to come back like Celest running excitedly telling me how she learned how to get out of quicksand because "You never know!" and a message from a friend I've never met in person telling me she thinks I'm such a light in this world and when my moms driving in the car and begins to laugh for the most randomest reason or when I walk in bleak and worn to babysit my favorite boys and as soon as they see me their small faces light up like fire or when that sweet baby girl I watch is angry with me once second and quickly hugs me the next. I get invited back many, to trying and to hoping by the exact same thing that pushed me out. Life is brutifal like that.
I have been sitting here for the past hour or so trying to write up a paragraph or two of my current situation and how it can be at times but I haven't been able to find any words that fit just right. I write then erase because it all sounds so formal so well done and the truth is that is nothing similar to what I feel. It is nowhere near organized and well done. It is burnt and raw and screaming and crooked. There are times I lose sight of all the beauty in others and myself. I lose sight of the wishes. I lose sight of the love and it ever getting better. I lose sight of anything good. I drop the compassion, the patience, the understanding. I become overwhelmed because THIS situation of mine hasn't changed yet. Even in writing that makes me want to throw my laptop on the floor and violently step on it. I can't believe it is 2015 already and we are still here. I am still here stuck in the same situation. You know what I would often write in my journal these past months? "This won't be our forever. This will not be our forever. We do not hate progress" because sometimes I can get so caught up in the right now that I suffocate and come undone. I aim to become much more than my suffering though. The pain will be used as fuel. I will rise above and this will NOT be our forever. I believe in that. I guess that's what my hope looks like.
At those times in which I get invited back to life and I feel as if I can't move and I feel distant or lost. I dare myself to keep trying. I move away from hopelessness and spread my wings once again. I believe in myself and the beautifully cruel way of the world. I remember all I've endured and the wonderful definition of fierce I've become. I feel the fear but also the bravery. The courage in which I doubted its very presence glows aching to be used. I am reminded that life is chaos and beauty and pain and joy. That lifes hard not because I'm doing it wrong but because its just plain hard. So rest easy. Learned that from the brilliant Glennon Melton, shes a great invitation back to lifer.
I am daring myself to keep on trying because I forget that I need to continue. There are times I get so tired of trying and not getting or being what I would like to that I become cold and hard. I look out into the world trying to remember like a dementia patient but no luck. But somehow I get pulled back into the trying world, sometimes in the midst of life I get invitations to come back like Celest running excitedly telling me how she learned how to get out of quicksand because "You never know!" and a message from a friend I've never met in person telling me she thinks I'm such a light in this world and when my moms driving in the car and begins to laugh for the most randomest reason or when I walk in bleak and worn to babysit my favorite boys and as soon as they see me their small faces light up like fire or when that sweet baby girl I watch is angry with me once second and quickly hugs me the next. I get invited back many, to trying and to hoping by the exact same thing that pushed me out. Life is brutifal like that.
I have been sitting here for the past hour or so trying to write up a paragraph or two of my current situation and how it can be at times but I haven't been able to find any words that fit just right. I write then erase because it all sounds so formal so well done and the truth is that is nothing similar to what I feel. It is nowhere near organized and well done. It is burnt and raw and screaming and crooked. There are times I lose sight of all the beauty in others and myself. I lose sight of the wishes. I lose sight of the love and it ever getting better. I lose sight of anything good. I drop the compassion, the patience, the understanding. I become overwhelmed because THIS situation of mine hasn't changed yet. Even in writing that makes me want to throw my laptop on the floor and violently step on it. I can't believe it is 2015 already and we are still here. I am still here stuck in the same situation. You know what I would often write in my journal these past months? "This won't be our forever. This will not be our forever. We do not hate progress" because sometimes I can get so caught up in the right now that I suffocate and come undone. I aim to become much more than my suffering though. The pain will be used as fuel. I will rise above and this will NOT be our forever. I believe in that. I guess that's what my hope looks like.
At those times in which I get invited back to life and I feel as if I can't move and I feel distant or lost. I dare myself to keep trying. I move away from hopelessness and spread my wings once again. I believe in myself and the beautifully cruel way of the world. I remember all I've endured and the wonderful definition of fierce I've become. I feel the fear but also the bravery. The courage in which I doubted its very presence glows aching to be used. I am reminded that life is chaos and beauty and pain and joy. That lifes hard not because I'm doing it wrong but because its just plain hard. So rest easy. Learned that from the brilliant Glennon Melton, shes a great invitation back to lifer.
So DARE yourself.
Believe in the FIERCE you've become.
Come back into the world of trying with me.
