You've worked hard to be where you are. You've worked hard to create the self love you have. You've been combatting the negative voices in your head so you no longer go spiraling into a self hatred trip every time you interact with people. You worked really hard to stop the over analyzing of your every move because everything you did was just wrong and stupid. The war with yourself had to end.
The positive has to show up more than the negative for this to work. The discipline has to be consistent. The negativity doesn't go away; you just stop listening to its rant. You make up a new hymn; of anything else, then you let the kindness and the self love bleed in. You turn the tables and taint the negativity with love until it becomes the outcast.
Yet, somehow its still easier for you to reassure yourself than to accept positivity from anyone else. Somehow I can't swallow it when it comes from someone else. The positive feedback has a buoyancy that will create the illusion of acceptance but it bounces off of me and disintegrates instantaneously. Shouldn't a compliment trickle down and melt into your soul? Shouldn't it land and taste sweet?
You wish you could respond with something other than silence. That the minions in your brain would somehow help you find a way not to freeze up and emit awkward facial reactions. If only you could help yourself figure out a way not to scream UNTRUE when the positive comes for you. If only there was a way to get out of your own way and genuinely breathe in the fact that maybe you could be good at something. That maybe you aren't just a walking meat stick that can't do anything right. Perhaps, you could find a way to reprogram and not reject it.
Just take it. Just accept it. If only it manifested as easy as it was said.
Just like everything else in life there is not one or the other. Its not black and white. There is no exclusivity with self love. You can want the best for yourself and not know what that is or how to accept/take it. You can long to move up and still reach below you for broken pieces. You can crave the light of the sun and love the warmth of the dark. You can be trying for love with yourself and still be weary of love from someone else. The undoing of traumas, coping mechanisms, internalized dialogue, whatever it may be isn't a straight line its scribbly scrabbly but we try regardless. I think as long as we continue trying we are going to be okay...right?
Theme songs of the week:
Ashley by Halsey
Let You Love Me by Rita Ora
