Unchartered Vulnerability with Anger

All you need is 40 minutes to yourself to cool down. That can look like many things but in this case it looked like me slamming the car door  while screaming words and stomping upstairs right into the lobby of Celests vision therapy office to sit on a pleather black couch and stare at a tiny rock waterfall. I needed to get away from my mother. I was fuming. Mad as hell. I felt like crying and yelling all at the same time. I kept resting my head back to stare at the ceiling hoping to beat gravity from making my tears come down. I did not want to be sad just yet. I needed to feel my anger just a little bit more and so I did. Which is what I do, A LOT. I lean into anger and believe when it tells me I should feel it just a little bit more. Of course just a little bit more turns into a lot more which leads to storing away anger instead of letting it go. That anger comes out often and it is a part of me that I am terrified to be vulnerable about. I usually lock myself away to make sure that no one sees me being effected in such a way. I don’t want anyone to know of this horrible anger stored inside of me. I would really prefer people to know the gentle, sad, full of laughter parts of me. Admitting to other people that some of my deep hurts transformed into rage is unbearable for me. On my journey of today though I’ve discovered that this coping mechanism confuses and halts my growth and my healing. Allowing myself the freedom to admit my anger, to show my anger in front of friends then NOT run away of shame; to show the parts of myself that are hard and mean is SO FUCKING TERRIFYING. Its uncharterd vulnerability.

Its no secret that my family is all messed up and that my mom and I fight way more than what is perceived as normal. Its also no secret that my brothers have brought pain into my life for a very long time. My life has been really, really difficult and I have had to teach myself to survive when life hits me with a paralyzing pain. I can admit that and add that nobody could ever come out of that without having traumas still attached, which I very much do but that doesn’t mean I necessarily want to admit its true. I want to so badly be the exception. I don’t have any mean, rough parts inside, promise! Lies! Lies! Lies! Recognizing my hypocritical tendencies is a hard but good step to take. Everytime something stressful or ridiculous happens within my brothers or family my adrenaline spikes and my whole body shakes. I get defensive and the words SICK AND TIRED keep coming to mind. I get angry at my mom for treating them the way she does. DON’T CRY I want to tell her GET ANGRY AT THEM but she doesn’t so I do it for her. I have gotten so much better to not direct that stored up anger towards the people around me; to not explode at Celest for doing something-anything really. That is something I would often always do and just to even admit and write that down creates the hugest lump in my throat and I feel so disgusting. The wise gentle part of me though keeps reminding me that I have been but barely learning and that I cannot want to hate myself for acting like a child in the past because I obviously actually was one in an impossible situation. Impossible situations bring out the worst AND the best in people. I can still be a good person even with this horrifying anger inside me, right?? Yes, that.

A lot of the time when sharing the raw non-polished up parts of myself I get really scared of people looking at me and thinking how much of a broken person I actually am. I think a lot of that fear has been the control factor that hasn't allowed me to be vulnerable about the angry side of me. Even if I no longer believe that I am a broken person, that shadowy fear that follows me around still fiercely rattles me.

I am angry.

Yes, those three words terrify me because I have seen the people  that come from the same blood become nothing but that and I do NOT want that to me happen to me too. I have seen the things anger can make you believe. I have seen the destruction. I have witnessed anger seduce the very best then never lose its grip. I know the power of anger so do not try to convince me I should not be terrified for I have witnessed it all firsthand. But I also confess to you that I have this feeling fluttering somewhere deep inside my soul that makes me feel like I have the power to break through all the things anger carries me through. It makes me believe that anger won't become all of who I am. I feel it like a whisper in the wind or like a soft touch gliding across my back. I feel it pacing and hoping I won’t forget to always light up my peace flare inside myself. I feel it, I just have to begin to fiercely believe in it. 

Anger won't win.  Gotta believe in that.