I bumped into someone I once knew last week and it revealed some
important thoughts of shame about me and my life I didn’t realize I had. Shame had
tackled my confidence as I spoke to this individual. You are so pathetic, I
kept hearing it say. I walked away as quickly as I could and ran to my car when
the coast was clear. Sure, a part of me was really happy to see them but the
other much bigger part of me wanted to do like an ostrich and stick my head in the
ground. I didn’t do that but I was very tempted. Instead, I drove us all to the
beach because there’s nothing like the healing powers of the ocean. The beach
wasn’t crowded and I got to park under a big beautiful tree which was a good
start. This particular spot was full baby crabs so as Celest giggled and
screamed her way comfortable I began working on the sandcastle. Something about
using your hands to mold and create something that brings upon good things. I
could feel my black shorts get damp as I sat down but no matter I had bigger
things to tend to. Am I ashamed of everything my life has been and how I’ve
overcome it all? Was I ashamed of who I was now? And was I aware that this
person that I was stuffing back into a little box of shame was the same person
my people celebrate on the daily? I continued to shape and mold my castle drowning
out life happening around me, horrible pun intended. Celest now joined me and
began shifting her small hands to pat and mold the wet sand along with me.
Eventually, my Styrofoam cup broke but simultaneously settled on one question;
What was there to be ashamed of?? My neck was beginning to hurt and the sun was
dehydrating but I stayed regardless. Many rooms inside of myself began opening
and revealing their stuffing to me. I was going back and forth trying to
unravel the shameful thoughts. Trying to create any sort of platform to help me
understand why I felt ashamed of my journey and how I’ve lived through it. I
began to see a pattern. Have I believed this whole time that I’ve lived a bad
life and so in turn I believed myself to be less than??
Yes I did and is it all true? No, absolutely not. Lifes worth is not determined by how bad or
good or how easy or hard it has been. One life does not outrank another life.
Perhaps that is how society-politics-whatever else can convince us to believe
but let us not be fools any longer people! Granted some people do hold other
lives like children, animals, special needs, elderly, etc with special grace
but that is not what I am referring to here. I am talking about the shame that
comes with having lived/ing in poverty. The shame that comes with the making of
poor decisions due to a lack of education. I am talking about the shame that comes
with dealing or watching the cycle of abuse whether its physical harm to
ourselves or the ones we love. The shame of just becoming another statistic and
then there’s the shame of not getting ahead quick enough. The shame I struggle
with greatly on a day to day basis. My struggle is not the definition of my
worth or lack of. My life is not outranked by another life. We are all equal. That’s
what I work on believing on a daily basis. That’s what I unraveled as I was
making a sandcastle with my eleven year old. Tell you, this creating stuff with
our hands and pain brings upon good things. My shame was rooted in how I viewed
my life. My life has been hard, yes but not bad. Life will always hit hard but
it will also always allow the universe to send me healing and for me healing
looks like friends-dogs-pancakes- trees-the ocean. I have begun to understand
that life as a whole is not a bad thing so consequently my life too cannot be a
bad thing. The good and bad equally co-exist just as much as sadness and joy
do. I do not believe that I am a sad person. I do believe that I feel great sadness,
deep rooted peace, and joy together to which are the roots of me. Even if I may
be pulled more to sadness than to joy, that is not all that makes up who I am.
So I ask myself why then can’t I have many “bad” things happen in my life without
them outweighing all the very good things in-between. The joy and good things
always seem to wisp away much faster but if we experience them fully they can
give us just enough to get by.
There shame is taken care of and out with the garbage. NOT.
Oh how I wish it were that easy to just throw away my shame but nooo the
universe wants me to be hands on and creative and stuff. Maybe I can’t throw my
shame out with the garbage but maybe I can transform it just like I do with my
pain. I see pain like a big heavy anchor and its heavy and big and loud and
even though sometimes sitting with your pain is necessary staying there can be
harmful so I’ve learned to transform my heavy anchor pain into fuel. I use it
to move forward and maybe theres my answer. Maybe all I need to do is throw my
shame in the compost bin and let it become worm poop HAH no but really maybe my
shame can be transformed into much
more useful things that can help me heal and move forward. Yes, that!!
I think back to my encounter with that old friend and if I
could go back when he asked what my life has been like since we’ve seen each
other I would say hard but fruitful and even though my life now is still really
hard I have the most beautiful loving tribe living and breathing right alongside
me. I would say how at peace I am with who I am or how I work hard to keep that
peace on the daily. I’d tell him how much wiser I am because of my difficult
experiences. I would stand up straight and smile even if my hair was horribly
tangled and frizzy. Even with my linty cut up shorts and faded sweatshirt even
if I hadn’t showered in days. I’d tell him that my heart is bursting at the
seams with all there is to feel and its spectacular. The pain and the sadness
but the joy and the peace too!! Or I could just go with “I’ve been okay” smile
and walk out the door because I’m pretty sure my breath smelled of onions and
my armpits were killing fruit flies with their stench. Totally missed putting
on deodorant on earlier that morning. OH well. EVERYBODY HAS ARMPITS OOKAAYY!
jeeeez.
