In September of last year my beautiful beloved car rolled down a hill and was totaled. It was a major shock and threw my life in disarray. My mom forgot to put the parking brake and when you drive a stick shift that is a critical part of the parking process. After some hard work and good luck I was able to get another car in October. A new car with like automatic rolling windows and the clicker boop-boop thing. For the first few days I was numb to the feeling of joy I should have been having for having a working car. It almost felt like my joy was being shushed telling itself to keep quiet and try not to get noticed because someone might notice that it didn't belong here.
The joy shushed itself
Stay quiet someone might hear you
They will notice we don't belong
The joy shushed itself
We musn't call attention to ourselves
Hide under this fear I think we'll be safe
I have been so used to struggle, to difficulty that when my hard work of rebuilding and healing I have been doing actually come through I am unsure what to do with the peace. Like where do I put it? Doesn't go with the depressing décor. Lets put it in the closet for now, Hah!
I have a trip planned for the upcoming month and as I was sitting at work today I found myself being scared of going. I've been anxious because I know that I will have lots of fun and I am absolutely unsure on how to deal with that.
Who are you to deserve good things?
Shut up. Shut up.
Quien eres tu para merecer cosas buenas?
Callate. Callate.
Theres a battle in my head that goes on. It ebbs and flows from insecurity and fear to self love and peace.From trauma to healing. The staus quo of being unhappy must be kept OR ELSE. OR ELSE. Do I know what the or else is? Nope, but the taunting feeling is there.
The admittance of having felt joy or being happy is something I struggle with greatly. I can't admit to it its too scary. I can't admit to it because then it feels like my brain has to come up with every possible reason why its not true. My brains in a heated debate with no one trying to win a made up argument its taken too seriously. Almost as if I have to be cruel to myself to deter the admittance that happiness can be mine.
The cruelty plays coy
hiding under a cloak of honesty
playing into fears hands
its easygoing nature creating an illusion of choice
Why are you lying?
You can't be happy
Sadness is your favorite 'member?
Peace is fake
you've been lied to
listen to me
You weren't happy
You should just stop trying
The cruelty plays coy
plays a charming role
diminishes you swiftly
You can't be happy
You should just stop trying.
I don't want to be unhappy. I don't want to feel undeserving of good things. I just don't know how to shake the guilty feeling that gets to me when I start thinking about my happiness. Its a "oh you think you're special that you of all people get to have good things? That you get to be happy?" voice. Maybe its the years of suffering. Maybe its the traumas of seeing others suffer and being unable to help. Maybe its my depression and anxiety. Maybe its my ridiculous fear of not admitting happiness was mine because of the possibility something horrible happening right after just to spite me. I don't know much of the divine or the universe but I think its safe to believe its not out to spite me or you, right? I think so. My mind can be cruel and I am my very own bully but I have built reinforcements to uplift myself. I have had to learn to combat the voices in my head telling me that I should just stop trying that I should conform to misery. Obviously, having depression isn't something that can be cured with positive mantras but with some medication and helpful mind reinforcements I think we can really do something good for ourselves.
Who are you to deserve good things?
Who are you to get to be happy?
Who am I?
I am the bundle of resilience
of spirit and grit
I am the giggles and harmonies
cravings and complaints
An ocean deep and wide
raging and free
rains of sadness and peace
vines of stories
cold and deep pain
Who aren't we to deserve good things?
Who aren't we to get to be happy?
¿Quién eres tú para merecer cosas buenas?
¿Quién eres tú para ser feliz?
¿Quién eres tú para ser feliz?
Quien soy yo?
Soy un bulto de resiliencia
espíritu y valor
Soy las risas y armonías
antojos y quejas
Un océano profundo y amplio
furioso y libre
lluvias de tristeza y paz
vides de historias
dolor frío y profundo
espíritu y valor
Soy las risas y armonías
antojos y quejas
Un océano profundo y amplio
furioso y libre
lluvias de tristeza y paz
vides de historias
dolor frío y profundo
La pregunta no es quien soy yo para merecer cosas buenas
Pero quien soy yo para no merecer cosas buenas
Para no merecer felicidad
Until next time.
Theme song of the week: Won't Stop Running by A Great Big World
