Seed of Hope in My Pocket

           I was having ice cream with a friend the other day to unload bit of our hearts which is a thing that we do quite often, the eat ice cream part. We speak of all the unfair things in the world and in our lives and we talk about in which ways our hearts hurt and how they heal and soar. I have been in hiding for a while not speaking to anyone but who I must and this was the first time seeing her after about a month. She spoke and we hurt and we laughed and we wanted to cry and then when it was my turn and she asked me the pivotal question of how I am I...

            

JUST KIDDING!! 

But a Friends reference is always a good reference.

             ...I told her a little bit of what I could muster out of myself and I wanted to share some of that truth with you, here and now.

                I feel as if everything inside of me is telling me and trying to convince me that I am fine but I know that deep down I am not fine and I don’t want to allow myself to believe I am and it is so much more than just a form of trying to give my soul rest, it is much deeper than that now. It has been a long time now, too long and my soul is running out of ways to cope. I keep on repositioning myself to try to give parts of myself relief. For a couple weeks coping could look like overdosing on love and hugs from my friends. The next month I could reposition and isolate myself away from everyone. My coping looks like many things and I have yet to find a way to make myself comfortable. That’s what I have been searching for, a comfortable way of living and breathing in this situation even though I know that there is no such thing. I cannot find comfort in such an uncomfortable situation. There is absolutely no way of staying fully aware and conscious and at the same time being fine. The only way for me to be fine in such a situation is for me to stop caring.  The day I become comfortable in an uncomfortable situation is the day you need to be concerned. The day I no longer respond to my situation is the day I lay my shield down and forfeit. That is the day I will no longer move forward. That is the day that I am trying to not allow to arrive. I must not allow myself to become comfortable, to become fine here right now. This instability should make me sad and frustrated and overwhelmed and many, many more things but never fine. I understand the worry and sorrow it brings my friends to see me filled with such emotion and faced with such grief and they must become frustrated due to their lack of ability to help me change the situation but as hard as I know it is you must not allow me to become fine. There is undeniably an uneasiness that comes along with seeing a friend not be okay for quite a bit of time. I love that as humans our insides pound with the need to remove pain and weight from others who are loaded with it. There is something irresistibly beautiful about humans and our knee jerk reactions with seeing others in pain that makes us want to lessen it, if at all possible. I believe in human connection just as much as I believe in the magic of sunsets. Yes, I will always continue to discover and remove branches of unhealthiness so that I may have less anger, resentment, and frustration. I will also most likely continue to make choices to help myself come alive much more often. I do want to nurture my center to allow myself the blessed experiences of joy and peace. I want to do those things for myself but right now those things are not my main focus. Currently, all I must do for myself and my family right now is to stay uncomfortable.

             I know that my life will not always be this uncomfortable. I know that at some point things will shift. Right?? Things will shift. Yes, that.
             I need to believe that as long as I keep that seed of hope in my pocket I will be able to carry on. I need to believe that I will stay motivated to keep moving forward and trust that my friends will lift me up and validate all these raw feelings of mine and hopefully understand my coping. I need to believe in that seed of hope in my pocket. I need to believe that the tomorrow I'm hoping for will come but I also cannot believe that it will come on its own. I must stay uncomfortable, as unfortunate and brutal that is.

This will NOT be my forever.

Keep the seed of hope in your pocket, friends. 

Seed of hope will get us through.

Stuffs to do!

Celest wrote me a story just now and at the beginning of the story she wrote "then came along a monster and he told me if i can come with him and I said NO I have stuffs to do!"

Friends, YES! This.
Oh my, what a wonderful reminder!

So when the monsters come tell them NO because you got STUFFS to do!! IMPORTANT much BETTER STUFFS to do!

Now excuse me while I go tell those monsters of mine I have better STUFFS to do.

Daring In The World of Trying

I believe in love and forgiveness and in the practice of patience and kindness. I believe in being brave even though you may not feel strong. I believe in the glorious wonder and beauty of life. I believe in myself and that is something I fought/fight for. I believe in trying too. I believe in trying to be whoever I want to be and at the end of the day it being enough. I believe in trying to get where I want to go and believing in my movements as small or insignificant as they may seem. I believe that as long as I am trying I am okay. I know that as long I go through everyday trying to be better, then I am good. The day I stop trying is the day I stop moving and growing and loving and practicing. 

So...here I am, Daring myself to keep trying. Daring myself to believe in the possibility of soaring above my pain. Of becoming much bigger than the selfish petty parts of who I am. Daring to love myself despite the mistakes I continue to make out of fear or ignorance. Fiercely fighting the many thoughts that hinder me when I listen. The ones inside my head that tell me I should know better or do better or be better. The very ones that tell me I'm too much or just not enough.

I am daring myself to keep on trying because I forget that I need to continue. There are times I get so tired of trying and not getting or being what I would like to that I become cold and hard. I look out into the world trying to remember like a dementia patient but no luck. But somehow I get pulled back into the trying world, sometimes in the midst of life I get invitations to come back like Celest running excitedly telling me how she learned how to get out of quicksand because "You never know!" and a message from a friend I've never met in person telling me she thinks I'm such a light in this world and when my moms driving in the car and begins to laugh for the most randomest reason or when I walk in bleak and worn to babysit my favorite boys and as soon as they see me their small faces light up like fire or when that sweet baby girl I watch is angry with me once second and quickly hugs me the next. I get invited back many, to trying and to hoping by the exact same thing that pushed me out. Life is brutifal like that.

I have been sitting here for the past hour or so trying to write up a paragraph or two of my current situation and how it can be at times but I haven't been able to find any words that fit just right. I write then erase because it all sounds so formal so well done and the truth is that is nothing similar to what I feel. It is nowhere near organized and well done. It is burnt and raw and screaming and crooked. There are times I lose sight of all the beauty in others and myself. I lose sight of the wishes. I lose sight of the love and it ever getting better. I lose sight of anything good. I drop the compassion, the patience, the understanding. I become overwhelmed because THIS situation of mine hasn't changed yet. Even in writing that makes me want to throw my laptop on the floor and violently step on it. I can't believe it is 2015 already and we are still here. I am still here stuck in the same situation. You know what I would often write in my journal these past months? "This won't be our forever. This will not be our forever. We do not hate progress" because sometimes I can get so caught up in the right now that I suffocate and come undone. I aim to become much more than my suffering though. The pain will be used as fuel. I will rise above and this will NOT be our forever. I believe in that. I guess that's what my hope looks like.

At those times in which I get invited back to life and I feel as if I can't move and I feel distant or lost. I dare myself to keep trying. I move away from hopelessness and spread my wings once again. I believe in myself and the beautifully cruel way of the world. I remember all I've endured and the wonderful definition of fierce I've become. I feel the fear but also the bravery. The courage in which I doubted its very presence glows aching to be used. I am reminded that life is chaos and beauty and pain and joy. That lifes hard not because I'm doing it wrong but because its just plain hard. So rest easy. Learned that from the brilliant Glennon Melton, shes a great invitation back to lifer.

So DARE yourself.

Believe in the FIERCE you've become.

Come back into the world of trying with me.