Choose gratitude over complaint.
I am blessed.
I am blessed.
I am blessed.
This is how we survive.
Maybe finding the grace to stop complaining and whining isn't always the easiest or the most convenient to do but its something that I have chosen to live into and something I do implement into the lives of my mom and Celest. Everyday we are confronted with how much we need but also how much we already have. We can't go through life not noticing the many blessings we do possess because oh how much we would miss. Its true we will always need something and lack another but we will also always have something and be overflowing with another. Our lives are not empty, this I'm sure. Whether they be filled with pain or joy or love or creativity or experience our lives are NOT empty.
We will always want more its our human condition. We are fed by the media this very ideal. As much as I'd love to say that being homeless has made me realize that I shouldn't worry about how much I have or that its made me want less, I can't. What a big fat lie that would be if I did. I can't say that I would be completely happy with a tiny place because at least its a place to call home right but truth of the matter is I would want more space. I would want a yard for my dogs and a room just for Celest. I would long for beautiful colored walls and pretty furniture.Even as insignificant I know and truly believe all these things are. Even though I know that with how much I have it won't bring upon lasting happiness. I would still be left wanting more. When I remember all this and how my heart begins to whine for more I say to myself "Gratitude over complaint. I am blessed. I am blessed. I am blessed." This has become a mantra of mine and every time I repeat and repeat and repeat it to myself its helps me live into it. Even as desperate and tired as I am from not having a home or catching a break I want to be able to try for gratitude. I want to say in the morning of everyday that yesterday I tried for gratitude so that I can be able to try again that very same day.
One of the many things I have come to know is that when you are submerged into this outcast world of people who don't have homes you are confronted with amazing deep stories and you are forced to look at your own story and see the very blessings you have. You see the people who are homeless and have a car are the homeless that are at the top because these people have a lot more luxury than all the others. These people are usually the ones who get out and that is by far one of the greatest tasks we homeless have. Although having a car still has its downsides like keeping it legal and running which requires money which is what most of us don't have most of. Those who don't have cars resort to sleeping in between bushes and finding something with wheels to carry belongings. They don't have anywhere to go and finding somewhere to be where they wont call the police on you is such a task. I remember back in 2013 when our car wasnt working and we were on the bus and always scavenging for somewhere to stay and to be during the day. People would often question how someone who doesn't work or do much all day could be exhausted. I'll tell you why because your body or mind never rests from not getting a good place to sleep in at night due to bugs. people,police and even your own safety. You don't rest at night or during the day. Not having a safe place to shelter you and to call home makes a huge difference in regards to rest. It is exhausting not having anywhere to go with no stability or security, It takes major strength to keep your sanity in this situation and we all mutually give moments of silence full of understanding for those who weren't able to keep their bits of sanity. When a homeless comes in contact with another we don't become best friends like most people would believe we are all different as I've said before so we may not get along or agree with each other but we SEE ONE ANOTHER and I believe it to be a magnificent thing. We see and we understand because we are living it right along side one another so there's this silent bit of respect behind each of us for one another.
Most people wouldn’t skip the address question on paper work
like I often do. Not having a physical address is quite difficult. The dmv will
ask for one and will tell you that it’s not acceptable to put down a post
office box. Insurance companies ask for a physical address as well and often
deny any request to put down a post office box. We often resort to having to
coyly admit to being homeless and anything other than our post office box is
just not available. It’s something that boggles my mind because it seems
that when you are homeless it’s expected that you disqualify yourself from
being a part of society. Isn’t that weird?
It’s like people who become homeless also become less than. How unheard
of. It is a vision some people have with
being poor in which you must look like a precious moments character with
patches all over your clothes and big begging eyes to qualify. There are so many labels that are so often stuffed into little boxes. So many boxes that we don’t have to settle with, that I won't settle with.
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Celest started 4th grade this past Tuesday just like a lot of kids here in San Diego did and she is just filled with so much wonder for whats ahead. I love it! I love the girl but YAY for 7 1/2 hour school days with free breakfast and lunch! What a blessing teachers are, am I right? Its just my mom and I and the dogs during the day now when I'm not working 3 days out of the week. I am a nanny Wednesday, Thursdays and Saturdays every week and I couldn't be happier about it. People have always been curious to what I do, if I work or go to college and there has always been so much shame carried in every single one of my responses. I don't go to college and for the longest time didn't have a steady job. Then the following question always came next. Why?? I never know how to respond to that one worded question because for me there's so much to it than just a simple answer. The reason I have always been hesitant to take any job like a waitress or at a fast food place is because I am in recovery. I dont think most people realize how much work recovery takes. A couple years ago I was so obsessed with the idea that I was better off dead. I was in such a dark place that I would often day dream of my funeral not prom or guys or college. I was fighting for my life and I still am to this day. Although I am in a much better place today than I was even 2 years ago I am still in recovery and I will always be in recovery. I have gone from giving up the fight and teetering on the edge of suicide to being determined to stay alive and healthy both inside and out. So yes maybe the fact that I haven't gotten a real steady job wherever I can find one is selfish of me to do because then maybe we would have already saved up enough money to rent a place but I will NOT apologize for it. I will not apologize for doing whats best for me. I know that if I got a job I wasn't happy in doing I would wake up everyday and dread going to work and slowly that would slide into dread waking up and that would push me into that dark place I swore to myself I would never go back to. I made a promise to myself to fight and thats what I'm doing. That place is so stubborn and SO hard to get out of. I live everyday knowing that its still there, waiting for me to tire out and give up. That terrifies the crap out of me! So I took the jobs to be a nanny to the most wonderful beautiful children that I LOVE SO MUCH because I don't dread going to do it!! It may not come up to the standard of what some people would like to see from me but I could really care less because I am in such a healthy place right now. People, I'm still ALIVE!! Holy SHIT you don't know how amazing and ENOUGH for me that is. I am loving others and loving myself and life! Thats so fucking AMAZING. I am growing and expanding and becoming a better person with each passing day. How GREAT is that!? I go at my own pace and now just recently have decided to look for another job I can enjoy to work on the days I don't in order to get my family ahead.
OH how badly I want to let go of all this SHAME that manifests within me because I'm not where I thought I would be or other people think I should be. I don't want it! I don't want shame to make me feel like what I've done and what I do is NOT enough because guess what IT IS enough. It is! It is! Its enough! I'm ENOUGH. So yes I'm homeless and I don't have a job that pays enough to pay rent but I am so alive and it feels good. Its still every bit as hard and I AM tired. OH boy, am I tired but I'm not giving up. I'm staying in community as hard as it is for me and I'm loving others and letting them love me because simply put I WANT to not because I NEED them to. I'm not where I used to be and thank God for that.
I know that we all have that image in our heads of what our homes are suppose to look like and where we are suppose to be and what we are suppose to be doing and I know that in reality we most likely fall short of that "image" in our heads and I'm here to remind you to stop doing that!! Stop it, because what you do and where you are is SO GREAT and its more than enough!
We are blessed. We are blessed. We are blessed.
This.
This is how we thrive.
.Stay Strong Fellow Warriors.
How do you survive?
You just do.
There is no other choice,
no other viable options.
You throw yourself into it,
head first
and make a mess along the way.
Gain a few too many scars,
break some things,
mend others.
Eventually,
you find yourself with
a couple of friends
and a few precious tools.
You just have to.
You will.
Michelle K., How Do You Recover? pt. 7
Michelle K is on Tumblr. Follow her for more lovely poems about recovery.
Michelle K is on Tumblr. Follow her for more lovely poems about recovery.
