I find myself forgetting what it feels like to have a home. The memory emptying out of me and refilling itself with a foggy gray cloud. I find myself sitting on friends couches,burrowed brow, trying to recollect the feeling I once knew so well. I'm losing it, I tell myself. There are parts of me that believe I have already lost it. A part of me believes I can never lose it. That home won't turn into just an idea.
I'm so past the point of tired now. I am so emotionally, mentally stretched that my soul has run out of energy, of life really. My soul has shut itself down in order to protect what little life it has left. Its as a wise woman I know phrased it "recharging". I had no choice in the matter, you see, because I would have still been running even with my deficit of energy. You know how your body rebuilds, heals, and rests itself while asleep? Yeah, its a lot like that. My soul became so tired it checked out whether I was okay with it or not. My life has been so heavy, so energy sucking that my soul checked itself out and I am now a walking talking body on auto pilot.
I find myself strained to feel things deeply. I feel lifeless. I stare into the eyes of the beautiful children I care for every week and feel as if a gift has been stripped from me and now look from the outside to the inside of a world full of feeling I wish I could be apart of again.
I know that my soul will once again become recharged and I know that this situation won't be my forever but right now in the midst of it all
my soul is beyond tired. Right now in the midst of it all, my heart is stretched too far from feeling everything and nothing simultaneously.
Recharging is good though.
A slow process but good.
The fact that you’re struggling doesn’t make you a burden. It doesn’t make you unloveable or undesirable or undeserving of care. It doesn’t make you too much or too sensitive or too needy. It makes you human. Everyone struggles. Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart. During these times, we aren’t always easy to be around — and that’s okay. No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time. Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult. And yes, you may sometimes do or say things that make the people around you feel helpless or sad. But those things aren’t all of who you are and they certainly don’t discount your worth as a human being. The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved. You can be difficult and still be cared for. You can be less than perfect, and still be deserving of compassion and kindness.Daniell Koepke (via internal-acceptance-movement)
I'm gonna be okay and so are you.
One day at a time,
but if that's too hard then moments at a time.
