This past week I got a very important voicemail. All week I
had been waiting for this call to be returned but also dreading it. The message
held our future. Unfortunately, it was what my instincts had kept telling me
all along. Bad news. The home that we had been promised 3 months ago was now
out of reach. The little light of hope we had been protecting to believe this
was going to work out fizzled out. I knew it, my instincts are almost always
right but still cheerful hope scooched up next to me and how could I resist it.
Upon realization of this I let some friends know the news and was graciously
met with I’m with yous. Still having to go to work I got dressed and tried to
get myself distanced from the reality. Compartmentalize. I unfortunately for
the rest of the week was impatient and under energized. I guess that
compartmentalize thing doesn’t quite work well enough for me.
I found myself going back to that day of that sweet little
girl remembering how I always come back. Don’t we do that too but with other things? I know I do. I
know that when disaster strikes my hope is always lingering, whispering,
letting me know that it always comes back. When my faith in humanity gets lost
over horrible events in the world my faith is always there reminding me that it
always comes back. When love is something that seems too hard to participate in
its always there throughout my day reminding me not to fret. When doubt, anger
and frustration are all that I am stubbornly holding onto then I remind myself
that all the things that hold me up will always come back to me. No matter how
many times I push it all away. The hard heart was not meant to stay.
One thing I mentioned to my friends upon telling them the
news was the hope that they could hold me up because I could not do that for
myself that day. Most days it feels like holding myself up with the usual stuff
of hope, love and peace is something only other people have the ability and
luck to do. But here I am rising up, holding my soul up. There are people all
around us, all around the world choosing to continue to be open to the things
that are hope, love and peace.
Hard hearts were not made to stay but to give us
time to grieve. Holding ourselves up to continue moving in the world is an
absolute strength. There is tremendous courage in allowing our hearts get hard,
in throwing tantrums and stopping our good movement in the world because we
have to decide to come back. We have to decide to allow the good things to come
back and remind us of how important our movement of hope, love and peace in the
world really is.
There is so much courage in all of us who have experienced
the darkness and continue to move in the world with peace slung on our backs.
The good things always come back. Some might even dare say
that they never ever left us.
