Dear Spirit Guides,
Sometimes I don't wanna exist. Sometimes more than others. Some days with my depression are better than others and then other times existing anywhere other than my bed or alone in my car I almost feel like I could slip right into a panic attack.
I'm dreading going to work tomorrow. My insides are kicking and screaming and throwing a tantrum because I'd much rather stay in bed or stare at the sky for 5 hours. The fact that I am expected to go to work and talk to my coworkers and demanding clients. I don't want to talk to anybody... but can I talk to you?
Last night I drove around my neighborhood and sobbed. Like the loud kind. I was talking to you. Were you listening? Percy was there. He always is. I was a bit glad it happened though because I haven't been able to cry for a really long time. I just got so numb I didn't even think I could when it came to my feelings. Then I went home and lied about it.
I sent a message to a friend today. "I don't wanna be here." it said. But it wasn't just here as in work but here in general. I would like to request a sabbatical from responsibilities and functioning and being a human for a bit, please. I'm quite tired and would appreciate a break. My soul would just like to float for a bit. Maybe people watch or better dog watch or both. That works too.
You know sometimes I feel so excruciatingly alone? Sometimes I just wanna look to someone who could relate to my story, my feelings but then I retract feeling rare and out of place. I swallow it and keep to myself. Chin up, girl.
Its been getting a bit cold here now. The change is nice. Baggy sweatshirts and high socks. Hiding under blankets and Percy in his little hoodies. Sometimes being a woman in this world is way too much and hiding it under all this is almost like a jab back.
Being perceived? Hah sometimes I get nauseated at the thought. At times it gets so bad inside this head of mine that thinking about myself is unbearable and then the thought of others thinking of me triggers the nausea.
Sometimes the nausea is just from everything I hold in that 2nd brain we call a stomach. Sometimes too many unresolved traumas and thoughts and feelings scream to be dealt with. It will hit me in the mornings or when it comes time to eat.
I know. I'm trying.
Sometimes I put on mascara and tell it to hold me together for the day. I imagine it understands and in its magical cosmetic glory it does as its told. It sounds silly doesn't it? But we must find creative ways to move along the days my mind convinces my spine it can't hold us up. The days my arms hug my body trying to hold it all in because somehow I'll burst. The numbness wittingly engulfing at the same time.
I can't miss work tomorrow or the next day or the next day. I am overwhelmed.
Chin up, girl.
Sincerely, Me
Todays song: No Ones In The Room by Jessie Reyez
