Empath not stupid

               

             One of the things I struggle with the most is allowing myself to feel my feelings. I usually tend to look at the person/s involved in whatever situation and kind of dilute my feelings out as to ignore them. Watching other peoples videos on things they are learning in therapy because you know therapy is much expensive I have learned that difficulty setting boundaries can be due to trauma as well as being an empath. Last night as I lay in my bed with a raging headache and my stomach upside down I kept repeating to myself that just because I understand the other persons reasons for their actions it actually does not excuse them. Then as I continued to repeat that to myself and wrestle with not diluting my feelings I realized something. That particular affirmation was not reaching me as profoundly as I would like it to because I would go back to the thought "Well, duh I know it doesn't excuse their actions. I know understanding their reasoning behind  it doesn't make it okay!" I just kept going in circles and thinking about how I am empath but I am not stupid. I can put myself in their shoes and not ignore my morals at the same time. Then, then it slid into my brain. Their experience doesn't invalidate yours. There is no hierarchy with our feelings. Their experience and my understanding of their perspective does NOT invalidate my own. My experience matters just as much if not more. I heard something else recently too thats been rattling in my brain that if you had a choice of disappointing another person or disappointing yourself the duty should always be to disappointing the other person. In the book The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown she writes, "When we consistently betray ourselves, we can expect to do the same to the people we love." How am I supposed to honor other peoples experiences if I can't even begin to hold space to honor my own? It has to start with me. 

                I also have to repeat to myself that setting boundaries, saying no, not feeling like I owe explanations does NOT mean I care about the other person/s any less. Rather how I am loving myself enough. Its setting a precedent of how to love me and what cannot be compromised. I am not asking for too much when I ask for respect because that is just the bare minimum.

              Their experience doesn't invalidate yours. 

That for some reason is a little more helpful for me. Gonna keep trying. Hope you do too.

'Til next time.

Your Mental Illness Is Showing. Its Called Depression, Becky.

 Dear Spirit Guides,

Sometimes I don't wanna exist. Sometimes more than others. Some days with my depression are better than others and then other times existing anywhere other than my bed or alone in my car I almost feel like I could slip right into a panic attack. 

I'm dreading going to work tomorrow. My insides are kicking and screaming and throwing a tantrum because I'd much rather stay in bed or stare at the sky for 5 hours. The fact that I am expected to go to work and talk to my coworkers and demanding clients. I don't want to talk to anybody... but can I talk to you?

Last night I drove around my neighborhood and sobbed. Like the loud kind. I was talking to you. Were you listening? Percy was there. He always is. I was a bit glad it happened though because I haven't been able to cry for a really long time. I just got so numb I didn't even think I could when it came to my feelings. Then I went home and lied about it.

I sent a message to a friend today. "I don't wanna be here." it said. But it wasn't just here as in work but here in general. I would like to request a sabbatical from responsibilities and functioning and being a human for a bit, please. I'm quite tired and would appreciate a break. My soul would just like to float for a bit. Maybe people watch or better dog watch or both. That works too.

You know sometimes I feel so excruciatingly alone? Sometimes I just wanna look to someone who could relate to my story, my feelings but then I retract feeling rare and out of place. I swallow it and keep to myself. Chin up, girl. 

Its been getting a bit cold here now. The change is nice. Baggy sweatshirts and high socks. Hiding under blankets and Percy in his little hoodies. Sometimes being a woman in this world is way too much and hiding it under all this is almost like a jab back. 

Being perceived? Hah sometimes I get nauseated at the thought. At times it gets so bad inside this head of mine that thinking about myself is unbearable and then the thought of others thinking of me triggers the nausea. 

Sometimes the nausea is just from everything I hold in that 2nd brain we call a stomach. Sometimes too many unresolved traumas and thoughts and feelings scream to be dealt with. It will hit me in the mornings or when it comes time to eat. 

I know. I'm trying. 

Sometimes I put on mascara and tell it to hold me together for the day. I imagine it understands and in its magical cosmetic glory it does as its told. It sounds silly doesn't it? But we must find creative ways to move along the days my mind convinces my spine it can't hold us up. The days my arms hug my body trying to hold it all in because somehow I'll burst. The numbness wittingly engulfing at the same time. 

I can't miss work tomorrow or the next day or the next day. I am overwhelmed. 

Chin up, girl.

Sincerely, Me

Todays song: No Ones In The Room by Jessie Reyez

These 3 things

Shes healing and peace building and thriving

Healing is not the easy way out

Its the poking and prodding at the holes I've patched over to ignore their existence

Its the opening up the locked doors to rooms I've since forgotten

Its the sitting in the unkempt

The peace building is the cultivating of grace

Its the lessening of judgement to others and mostly myself

Its the realization the more gentle I approach my darkness the less harsh i become when confronted

With the darkness of others

Its the learning i don't have to carry the responsibility of someone elses healing journey

Its the learning that i can observe not absorb everything

The boundary setting and keeping

Thriving is a word I can feel overwhelmed by

Almost as if its out taunting me

Ready with its stoic stance to discredit me

To mock me

Its the giggles in the background

The scoff

So I cower and ignore its existence

Thriving scares me because I fear I'm not it

I fear its report card as if it has one

I'm weary at the thought of not making its final cut

Thriving may be many things

But it is not the taunting villain

Its more of the supportive audience

The getting of your jokes

The wooing and clapping

The hyping you up

Thriving is stoic in its stance

But only to assure you that your trying is not in vain

You are healing and peace building and thriving

Kindness for Me Too, Please

Mi abuelita, que dios la cuida, siempre decia que necesitabamos perdornar las personas que nos hace mal, las personas que nos hace dano. Ella era una guerrera. Paso por tanto en su vida. Tenia tantas historias que debian estar en un libro. Tantas veces que estabamos sentadas y me contaba momentos de su vida. Si, una guerrera. Una luchadora. 

De ella agarro el esfuerzo para continuar cuando pienso que ya no puedo. Recuerdo que tengo la sangre de ella corriendo en mis venas. Recuerdo por lo tanto que ella sufrio y todavia segilla. Segilla y segilla adelante aunque estuviera pesada con tristeza y dolor. Ella empujaba y trataba para un dia llegar a dias mas comodos, mas relajados y llenos con paz. 

Maybe the perfect life doesn't exist. Life is way to unpredictable for that but I can get to easier days. I can get to much more comfortable days. Glass half full of peace. Traumas barely occupying space kinda days.

I can build up and out instead of hole up in whatever shit lifes thrown at me. We don't have to live that way. We can move on. We are allowed that.

A friend messaged me tonight needing some support and I realized once I pressed send and read it back to myself that I needed it too. Thought I'd share: