Give Me My Secrets Back!

Sometimes I get so scared that I want all the secrets and heart spilled moments I've ever released into the universe, back. I feel so open and soft, so vulnerable. Sometimes I just want it all back to keep for myself. I’d like to gather it all together and forget that anyone ever saw any of it. "Why did I ever think destroying those walls of mine was ever a good idea?? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid." You see, I get scared too. I get frightened of sharing too much and in consequence being too vulnerable.  I get scared of being wrong when I speak out, which of course happens sometimes. I get scared of being unaware of hurting people and being blind to see important sides of something.  We all live with fears that we never let anyone else know about and well, those are some of mine. 

Even with all the beauty and raw human-ness in which vulnerability brings. I get scared. I know that being vulnerable can bring upon great things. I know that at least one person will connect with whatever it is in which I’m being vulnerable about but I still so often get scared.  I get scared and I yell at the universe to give me all my secrets back.  I jump into a puddle of insecurity.  It gets messy and sometimes some people don’t sit well with what you say and sometimes you get burned. I tend to curl into that dark place in my mind and mutter to myself that I won’t ever open up again because you can get hurt. I jumped and I fell and now I have to get back up again. 

Oh no, I’m gonna need some courage.

The other day in admitting that I was scared to a friend she told me that she gets the same kind of scared too and that even though we are scared we jump and fall anyway. I sat with that and something clicked in my head. I realized that the courage is not in the jumping when scared but in the falling and getting back up. Unlike some people believe we are not brave because we are scared and jump NO we are brave because we jump knowing we can fall and must get back up again. We are brave because we know we will have to try again. The bravery is in the continuance, it’s in the trying again. It’s in the trying! SO I realized that yes I may be vulnerable and may not say the right things at times but I am still trying. I have kept on trying. There is the courage, the bravery in which I am so blind to see during those moments of fear with the world. 

We jump and fall ANYWAYS.

So HAH fear! You have not won like I can so often believe. I am winning because I am still trying. I am brave and loaded with courage because I am continuing even after I get burned, and am wrong. I keep on and continue to try. I am brave because I call out my fear and even though sometimes I may not jump; I am still brave. Admitting you’re scared when no one else is admitting it is BRAVE and full of courage.  Brave can be and look like many things. So yes, I share my heart and sometimes I sit alone and yell at the universe to give it all back but I am still brave because I still try.

Have I said brave and try enough times?? 

I don't think soo because NEVER.

I don't know why the idea of me being wrong is so utterly embarrassing even though I know that everyone is wrong at some point and even daily. Its the perfectionist in me. I am still learning about this whole thing of taking up space even when I am not particularly correct thing. 

I am loved. 

We are loved not because we DO but because we ARE.

I am loved not because I do but because I am, 

How many of us continually get caught up in impressing people and accomplishing things in order to be loved or continue to. How many times do we believe we have to be successful to be loved?? How many times do we believe that we must be successful in order to be worthwhile?? I know I forget and believe that a lot of the time. 

I am scared sometimes of giving too much of myself away and being left with nothing.

Thats not a very smart fear. You want to know why?

Its not smart because every time I give some of myself away I get at least twice as much back. I am shown this countless times and yet I still get scared and yell at the universe. Each time you share your heart you will not be left out to dry because someone will always reach back with a piece of theirs. I believe in that. I believe in vulnerability. I adore it. I love that someone can open themselves up some and this raw beautiful stuff comes out. I love that it is a way of saying I AM HERE and flawed and HUMAN.  I am utterly fascinated by people and their way of being. I love that every single one of us has a big remarkable story to tell. I love that everything that has ever happened to us throughout our lives has shaped and impacted us in some way or form and made us into the ever evolving person we are right now, positive or negative.  We are all so different and alike all at the same time. That is so incredible to me, that each individual is contained with such complex and great stories. 

I will continue to remind myself that my courage is there because I am still trying and that I am loved not because I do but because I am. Maybe I'll even work on to stop yelling at the universe but between you and I thats one I keep to keep myself sane. Sometimes you just need to scream at nothing and everything. You know what I mean? NO? Okay, just me then.

You are loved and you are brave.

Keep on.

-Analaura

"Despite what you may believe you can disappoint people and still be good enough. 

You can make mistakes and still be capable and talented. 

You can let people down and still be worthwhile and deserving of love. 

Everyone has disappointed someone they care about. 

Everyone messes up, lets people down and makes mistakes. 

Not because we're inadequate or fundamentally inept, but because we're imperfect and fundamentally human

 Expecting anything different is setting yourself up for failure"
-Daniell Koepke
Creator of the Internal Acceptance Movement on Tumblr
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