I was at the park having a picnic with friends when I turned to a soul sister of mine with watery, sad eyes and told her that sometimes I just wanted to go home but then I'd remember that I didn't have one and so upon hearing this she took both of her hands, cupped my face and said gently "I know love. I know."
A bit later, I leaned against the fence surrounding the playground and let another friend know that I had no idea how to bring my sad energy into my community. I didn't know how to still feel like I belonged while being this sad. This beautiful sister-friend of mine turned to me and said "I get it. I'm right there with you." She told me how lately shes been struggling and that what I just said really hit home.
Wow, sharing our hearts is scary but great too friends.
That was weeks ago and today I turned to that same lovely-sister-friend of mine hugged her tight and told her that I was feeling really, really sad. I told her."I feel like I'm crumbling. Crumbling just like a stale muffin." Which then made us both laugh because whaaatt?? We sat together and watched our lovely community in action. Today, we had a church picnic/celebration. We watched the kids play and the adults deep in conversation. Bouncy houses, red faces, painted faces and stuffed faces because always food with us. ALWAYS food. SO many people that I love so very dearly yet I felt so sad. How do I still fit here even though I'm actually quite very sad?? Can I leave before everyone else does because I'm always last and left to remember how everyone has left home and I don't have one.
When that sinking feeling inside me starts should I keep hugging my friends at random times and sometimes even when they are talking to someone else. Are they tired of me yet? Because sometimes I get tired of this overbearing sadness and I get mean with myself. These things are all things that happen and I still have no words to help with the whole how do I fit here with my sadness thing but I do know that the people you surround yourself with is so very important. That you matter so much that your peoples heart will overflow with kindness and love and you will have to learn to accept it. Today was a great day and I was so sad. That sinky feeling inside was very heavy today but I filled up on the weird, hilarious, super cute details to help myself remember that my sadness isn't everything I am or everything there is.
Emotions can feel very intense and its hard to see your way out of that but thats why we don't do this life thing alone. Thats why I'm learning to actually reach out to friends, to let my needs be known, to allow myself the vulnerability to feel angry, sad, overwhelmed without all the ugly guilt. Sometimes well most times all we need is someone to say me too. I think the world needs more of that. More me toos and less being bullied by loneliness. Yes, that.
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