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| Cute puppy-AKA-Penny |
Although I am not one for resolutions I did promise myself that this year I would begin to write again. I seemed to be a gray blur in 2017 and maybe that was just my healing process for that moment in time but these past few days my soul has been tugging at me like a 4 year old on a mission to write again. My conscious blowing up at me because it knows that I'd feel better if I just wrote something. Ah! I wanted to come up with a title or an idea that I could center my thoughts around but then I remembered that was the very reason I felt I couldn't write in 2017. 2017 was the year that all the crap and turmoil thats always been hidden under the rug got uncovered and so of course this caused the world to believe the world has turned to shit when in reality all of these things were already there and happening. It was a year of eye opening. It was a year where people discovered how far their compassion for "the issues" would really take them. It was the year people rose up to activism and others turned their backs and stayed silent. It was the year when people finally made those who are silent realize they are on the side of the oppressor. That there is no limbo when it comes to justice for black and brown lives, for women and so on. It was the uncovering that the world needed to begin a better revolutionized healing process.
I have a job now. I work part time in a medical office. I like it although it hasn't came without work place drama I'm actually quite impressed with how I've done and how I have been handling being homeless and working at the same time. Some days it takes everything in me to breathe and not to start crying but others are a breeze and I am able to clock in, do my job, clock out and leave it all behind. Some days my mental health is on the brink of giving out so I'm grateful that I am able to bring one of my dogs to work to hug when I feel like being alive is just way too damn much to handle. Some days I work at the office and then later as a nanny. I'm tired and empty and overwhelmed all at the same time but I keep going because what the fuck else am I going to do. Food for us and food for the dogs and gas for the car and laundry to wash and storage and insurance and cell phone won't happen by itself. My transmission died during thanksgiving and that caused a whole bunch of expense. I brought my grandma and had her stay with us. We were able to supply a hotel room for 2 weeks or so before money was gone and the car was broken so she stayed with us through new year. I was actually relieved to have her with us where we could make sure she was fed and interacted with and showered and taken care of. Shes losing her memory now and at home unfortunately she can't provide herself with the self care she needs. Its a very complicated situation so even though she drove us all insane and we were almost always arguing at the end of the day my shoulders felt a little lighter knowing that my abuela was being taken care of properly.
I stopped going to church in 2017. I think I finally came to realize pushing myself to go when it drains me isn't taking care of myself. Plus, my spirituality was dragging just like my situation. I was visiting with a friend from San Francisco during Christmas who had asked me why i no longer attended and I eventually figured out that I felt crippling loneliness when I visited church. That is not the reaction you are supposed to feel when going to a place like that although to be fair I feel quite alone in the world too but you never wanna willingly place yourself in a place that creates that feeling. Not to get too real or dark on you here. You still there? I dont come into contact with a lot of homeless young brown women like myself. Not to say that they aren't out there but the lifeline I wield hasn't given me that gift...yet.
This is more of an update post than a reflective one and I am quite okay with that now. I think I would put so much pressure on myself to make a great reflective post every single time that I didn't even wanna try anymore. I realize now that I'm not going to get more than a couple views and that feedback just isn't happening but regardless I need to write. Besides having it out in the open is so subversive.and freeing that I'm going to learn how to make it feel enough.
I am making it a plan to have a new post every Friday and I hope those of who you reading now will check in, read and reflect with me.
I suppose life would really suck if I didn't take advantage to grow and learn from all the pain. The day I decided to use my pain as fuel instead of an anchor is the day I created a million and one opportunities.
Healing is everyday and chosen and uncomfortable and difficult and hard work but so is the alternative. At least healing gives you freedom.
-Analaura
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