Whats Happened With You

Isn't it interesting to think about how quickly things change? How from one moment to another things can become so different?

How the world can be kinda ok one moment then within a couple weeks completely change??

People are like that too but somehow decades feel like days. We can hold onto how a person was and continue to compare them. They were okay then so then what happened?

How did they go from point a to point b? The reality? They already went through the whole alphabet 3x over but times distorted and point A felt like last month. We missed it but yet we were a witness?

Ive been thinking about how there are so many people out there who are struggling with broken family members. Ive noticed a pattern we either completely cut ourselves off from them or continue to drown ourselves in the belief they are so close to being saved even though its keeping us from moving forward. Theres the guilt for both situations. Theres the confusion of how someone you love can be so fucked up and how you simultaneously hate them AND care for them. You repeat the excuses you've compiled together of their lives to create the conclusion of who they are now. You think if only-if only.

I am stuck in limbo. I have a foot out the door to move forward and a hand keeping my family afloat. I've thunk myself cold. I've disassociated so hard I'm unsure how to come back from it without professional help.

Is it normal to consider everyones life story when thinking of the hurt and wrong they've done to you? I guess thinking of their perspective to try and justify the pain caused is the purpose for this but then it leaves me heavy feeling with everyones' life along with my own.

I don't know how to make everyone's pain stop bleeding on me.

How do I learn to ignore the red, the stain, the stench?

Or do I not but then how do I move forward knowing they don't have a chance?

How do I move forward knowing they are going to stay behind? 

That the idea of them eventually moving on to healing is only but a daydream? 

What if their damage is much too much? I move on anyway? Just like that?

How do I bare that kind of everyday reminder that my happiness and my peace serves as the reminder of the complete lacking of theirs. That you know deep in your bones they lack love and how you wish it was enough to help them.

Then how do you not let it fuck up everything you've ever worked for?

 How do you not let it fuck your heart and head up?

Where does the line get drawn from self preservation to selffishness? I would sure like to know.