Take The Compliment

You've worked hard to be where you are. You've worked hard to create the self love you have. You've been combatting the negative voices in your head so you no longer go spiraling into a self hatred trip every time you interact with people. You worked really hard to stop the over analyzing of your every move because everything you did was just wrong and stupid. The war with yourself had to end. 

The positive has to show up more than the negative for this to work. The discipline has to be consistent. The negativity doesn't go away; you just stop listening to its rant. You make up a new hymn; of anything else, then you let the kindness and the self love bleed in. You turn the tables and taint the negativity with love until it becomes the outcast.

Yet, somehow its still easier for you to reassure yourself than to accept positivity from anyone else. Somehow I can't swallow it when it comes from someone else. The positive feedback has a buoyancy that will create the illusion of acceptance but it bounces off of me and disintegrates instantaneously. Shouldn't a compliment trickle down and melt into your soul? Shouldn't it land and taste sweet? 

You wish you could respond with something other than silence. That the minions in your brain would somehow help you find a way not to freeze up and emit awkward facial reactions. If only you could help yourself figure out a way not to scream UNTRUE when the positive comes for you. If only there was a way to get out of your own way and genuinely breathe in the fact that maybe you could be good at something. That maybe you aren't just a walking meat stick that can't do anything right. Perhaps, you could find a way to reprogram and not reject it. 

Just take it. Just accept it. If only it manifested as easy as it was said. 

Just like everything else in life there is not one or the other. Its not black and white. There is no exclusivity with self love. You can want the best for yourself and not know what that is or how to accept/take it. You can long to move up and still reach below you for broken pieces. You can crave the light of the sun and love the warmth of the dark. You can be trying for love with yourself and still be weary of love from someone else. The undoing of traumas, coping mechanisms, internalized dialogue, whatever it may be isn't a straight line its scribbly scrabbly but we try regardless. I think as long as we continue trying we are going to be okay...right?

Theme songs of the week: 

Ashley by Halsey

Let You Love Me by Rita Ora 

You Don't Deserve Good Things//No Mereces Cosas Buenas

In September of last year my beautiful beloved car rolled down a hill and was totaled. It was a major shock and threw my life in disarray. My mom forgot to put the parking brake and when you drive a stick shift that is a critical part of the parking process. After some hard work and good luck I was able to get another car in October. A new car with like automatic rolling windows and the clicker boop-boop thing. For the first few days I was numb to the feeling of joy I should have been having for having a working car. It almost felt like my joy was being shushed telling itself to keep quiet and try not to get noticed because someone might notice that it didn't belong here.

The joy shushed itself 

Stay quiet someone might hear you

They will notice we don't belong

The joy shushed itself

We musn't call attention to ourselves

Hide under this fear I think we'll be safe

I have been so used to struggle, to difficulty that when my hard work of rebuilding and healing I have been doing actually come through I am unsure what to do with the peace. Like where do I put it? Doesn't go with the depressing décor. Lets put it in the closet for now, Hah!

I have a trip planned for the upcoming month and as I was sitting at work today I found myself being scared of going. I've been anxious because I know that I will have lots of fun and I am absolutely unsure on how to deal with that.

Who are you to deserve good things?

Shut up. Shut up. 

Quien eres tu para merecer cosas buenas? 

Callate. Callate. 

Theres a battle in my head that goes on. It ebbs and flows from insecurity and fear to self love and peace.From trauma to healing. The staus quo of being unhappy must be kept OR ELSE. OR ELSE. Do I know what the or else is? Nope, but the taunting feeling is there.

The admittance of having felt joy or being happy is something I struggle with greatly. I can't admit to it its too scary. I can't admit to it because then it feels like my brain has to come up with every possible reason why its not true. My brains in a heated debate with no one trying to win a made up argument its taken too seriously. Almost as if I have to be cruel to myself to deter the admittance that happiness can be mine.

The cruelty plays coy

hiding under a cloak of honesty

playing into fears hands

its easygoing nature creating an illusion of choice

Why are you lying?

You can't be happy

Sadness is your favorite 'member?

Peace is fake

you've been lied to

listen to me

You weren't happy

You should just stop trying

The cruelty plays coy

plays a charming role

diminishes you swiftly

You can't be happy

You should just stop trying.

I don't want to be unhappy. I don't want to feel undeserving of good things. I just don't know how to shake the guilty feeling that gets to me when I start thinking about my happiness. Its a "oh you think you're special that you of all people get to have good things? That you get to be happy?" voice. Maybe its the years of suffering. Maybe its the traumas of seeing others suffer and being unable to help. Maybe its my depression and anxiety. Maybe its my ridiculous fear of not admitting happiness was mine because of the possibility something horrible happening right after just to spite me. I don't know much of the divine or the universe but I think its safe to believe its not out to spite me or you, right? I think so. My mind can be cruel and I am my very own bully but I have built reinforcements to uplift myself. I have had to learn to combat the voices in my head telling me that I should just stop trying that I should conform to misery. Obviously, having depression isn't something that can be cured with positive mantras but with some medication and helpful mind reinforcements I think we can really do something good for ourselves. 

Who are you to deserve good things?

Who are you to get to be happy?

Who am I?

I am the bundle of resilience

of spirit and grit

I am the giggles and harmonies

cravings and complaints

An ocean deep and wide

raging and free

 rains of sadness and peace

vines of stories

cold and deep pain

Who aren't we to deserve good things?

Who aren't we to get to be happy?

¿Quién eres tú para merecer cosas buenas?
¿Quién eres tú para ser feliz?

Quien soy yo?

Soy un bulto de resiliencia
 espíritu y valor 
Soy las risas y armonías
antojos y quejas
Un océano profundo y amplio
furioso y libre
lluvias de tristeza y paz
vides de historias
dolor frío y profundo

La pregunta no es quien soy yo para merecer cosas buenas

Pero quien soy yo para no merecer cosas buenas

Para no merecer felicidad

Until next time. 

Theme song of the week: Won't Stop Running by A Great Big World

The Side Chick

The majority of my life I have struggled with the unsettling idea that I am but a secondary character in my family storyline. Always the one effected but never the one affecting. The sum of my life centered around everyone else's actions or worse the consequences that resulted because of those actions. While most people grow up navigating the discovery of themselves and what everything means I was busy reacting to other peoples stories and other people meaning my family. I was the secondary character in my own show. I was the friend of the main characters who only got enough scenes to be recognized but never enough to have a concrete story line. So I grew up reacting, listening, observing. 

         I think about that often when I am confronted in messy situations that center around my brothers. I think about the disruption in their lives. I empathetically think of their pain in the experiences I witnessed. I create a logical domino effect of how one experience altered their sense of self which then diminished their chance to have made alternate better decisions. I think of the emotional blockade they have. How society, machismo, economic status, my father and even mother deeply influenced how they deal with their emotions or don't. How they had to build coping mechanisms from scratch or sadly learned the unhealthy ones they witnessed. I think about how studies have shown how kids who come from single family homes, divorced homes, below the poverty line, immigrated parent homes can have a harder time adjusting into a "normal" stable adult. I remember trauma lives and breathes in them too.

      The 25 year old me, the worked her ass off to heal, grow and expand me then tries to gently scoop me up off the floor because my heart usually ends up on its knees battered and bruised at this point. I remember all of my disruptions; all of my experiences. I remember how economic status, society, my family all deeply influenced my young girl self. I think of issues I have and how they came to be.  I try to validate myself my experiences and feelings because that's where I've learned my healing can begin. 

     I can't help but think of my family members disruptions but then I think of mine and I become incredibly conflicted. Its easy for me to think empathetically towards them and their experiences but when I'm faced with them in person and they begin to speak to me about anything really I am completely bottled with rage. I feel my upper lip start to curl and I always-always have to remind myself to bring it down and reflect. 

Its hard when you have to push your family away because they bring destruction to your world that you put so much effort into creating. The world you are so desperately trying to build for yourself. 

Si no estan aqui para ayudar me flotar no necesito que me ayudan ahogar

      I am so conflicted. It takes up so much of me to think about it so I try not to. I understand that we are all building from scratch and some people handle things better than others but as my friend Lyz told me "You were not made to hold everyone up." It is not my job to keep or to save. It is

not my responsibility to caress their wounds and hand them solutions. I know all this but it doesn't take away from the pain knowing that my 2 of my brothers are still sleeping in their cars and one has a broken toe disabled in the room next to mine. It doesn't take away from the fact that I recognize patterns and trauma that my mom has had but that I can't trust her to set any type of boundaries. I look at the whole picture but it doesn't take away the pain or the hard decisions I have to make. No amount of empathy will be the solution. That's what breaks my heart I think the most that no amount of my understanding can excuse the pain caused. It doesn't count if I recognize the patterns but they remain unaware. 

      The hard work, the healing, the demolition, the recreating has to be done by each individual and it can't be done near each other because we will come unravel and come undone. I cannot help them and help myself in the same proximity. I built up muscle to help myself stay afloat and no matter how tough no matter how bitter or cold I may seem I have to put myself first. 

Oh, but the guilt doesn't leave me alone.

I am continually faced with decisions everyday to enforce boundaries. I don't know how it looks like from their point of view. Does it look easy? Do they think that its easy for me? 'Cause its not. I don't know if they think I've had it easy. I don't know if they think I'm being selfish or just plain cruel. I don't know if they will ever come to understand how much I want to be okay. How I have come to learn that they unravel the healing, the recovery.

How much it hurts that I have to move forward even if it means leaving them behind.

This weeks song is Heavy by Kiana Lede. Hits the spot. 

What Are Boundaries Even

Okay, so I guess by now we know that I am not good at writing consistently. As I sat on my couch Wednesday afternoon I remembered and told myself I should probably go do that but did I actually turn Hulu off and go do it? Hah nope! Instead I binge watched Veronica Marz some more. Good show by the way, its fun to see all the spots in town I can call out and recognize while watching.

Some part of me really want to feel a bit more relaxed in my posts because of the lack of following but another part of me really wants to um you know... NOT half ass it. They fight. At least now, I don't have to worry about where I am going to plug the computer into or how much daylight I have left in order to see the keyboard. Do you know how uncomfortable it is to write on a laptop while sitting in the drivers seat? My neck and back were both screaming at me by the end of it.

Now I just have to remind myself that self care is also disciplinary care. That taking care of myself is making habits that will create momentum for my inner peace to prosper. Self care can't always look like binge watching and eating cereal on the couch after dinner. Although, it is quite a beautiful experience. I have to make myself do more to cultivate my creativity. I have to incorporate scrapbooking, journaling, coloring, painting, writing into my days so I can help the nagging, dragging demons from making me feel like shit. I can't just continue to jump from one social media app to another hoping to cover up how uncomfortable I feel.

Uncomfortable is how I've been describing how I feel lately. Just unsettled. Unable to find a place I can sit still. I don't want to be at work and I don't
want to be at home yet I do? I feel dead inside or is that just adulthood? Nope, nope its poor people adulthood because you know very well rich people sleep well at night knowing they have an excess of money after bills. Way off topic, one of my triggers apparently?

Anyway,  I think for so long this was the pivotal step. Getting a home and a stable job that can pay for my bills; being able to pay rent on my own. For the longest time that was the goal, for years. If only I can just get there I'd repeat to myself. Once I reach that step then the rest will work itself out. Pfffft, HAH oh innocent one. You all would be surprised to know that managing my money, the calculations and getting creative with allocating the money to last enough to get me through until payday is not the problem for me. Its actually a strong suit for me. The hardest part is setting up boundaries between my family and I.

Enforcing those boundaries while also not allowing them to rip away at me; to completely destabilize my entire being. Finding the strength to not allow guilt to somehow trick its way inside and ruin all the healing I've made. Detaching myself from unhealthy default settings and creating a new rhythm for ones that allow healing and create peace. I don't have any of that down so I keep my mind moving not allowing it to settle down so I don't freak out because I have no idea how to handle any of it. I watch tv while looking through my phone. My job is fast paced but still when I get unraveled by what happens at home then somehow my disposition for getting things done gets scrambled and I have to work twice as hard to actually do my job. My patience at work is whittled down to almost nothing and I'm not sure if that's because customer service does that to a person or if its because of build up from everything else...or both???

I'm unsure of how to navigate all of this but I am trying. I am the first in my family for all these things so the moves I make will greatly impact the domino effect on everyone else lives. I don't have anyone to learn from. I don't have someone elses story to take notes from. I am trying to keep an open mind as well as think things through thoroughly without coming undone.

I'm managing.

There are somedays that are actually quite nice. The rest, well I try to let them go. There'd be too many to keep; I mean where would one store all of those bad days? You shove them deep down inside??? Oh right, crap. Somedays I can feel the shittyness bubbling and I just say nope to the day then strut my grumpy pants all through town. It be like that sometimes.

Have you ever had to put up a boundary or several towards people you are close to and it got complicated? How?

Any thing you've learned from a personal experience or someone else's that you think would be helpful?

Are grumpy pants appropriate work attire?? Explain.