Stuffs to do!

Celest wrote me a story just now and at the beginning of the story she wrote "then came along a monster and he told me if i can come with him and I said NO I have stuffs to do!"

Friends, YES! This.
Oh my, what a wonderful reminder!

So when the monsters come tell them NO because you got STUFFS to do!! IMPORTANT much BETTER STUFFS to do!

Now excuse me while I go tell those monsters of mine I have better STUFFS to do.

Daring In The World of Trying

I believe in love and forgiveness and in the practice of patience and kindness. I believe in being brave even though you may not feel strong. I believe in the glorious wonder and beauty of life. I believe in myself and that is something I fought/fight for. I believe in trying too. I believe in trying to be whoever I want to be and at the end of the day it being enough. I believe in trying to get where I want to go and believing in my movements as small or insignificant as they may seem. I believe that as long as I am trying I am okay. I know that as long I go through everyday trying to be better, then I am good. The day I stop trying is the day I stop moving and growing and loving and practicing. 

So...here I am, Daring myself to keep trying. Daring myself to believe in the possibility of soaring above my pain. Of becoming much bigger than the selfish petty parts of who I am. Daring to love myself despite the mistakes I continue to make out of fear or ignorance. Fiercely fighting the many thoughts that hinder me when I listen. The ones inside my head that tell me I should know better or do better or be better. The very ones that tell me I'm too much or just not enough.

I am daring myself to keep on trying because I forget that I need to continue. There are times I get so tired of trying and not getting or being what I would like to that I become cold and hard. I look out into the world trying to remember like a dementia patient but no luck. But somehow I get pulled back into the trying world, sometimes in the midst of life I get invitations to come back like Celest running excitedly telling me how she learned how to get out of quicksand because "You never know!" and a message from a friend I've never met in person telling me she thinks I'm such a light in this world and when my moms driving in the car and begins to laugh for the most randomest reason or when I walk in bleak and worn to babysit my favorite boys and as soon as they see me their small faces light up like fire or when that sweet baby girl I watch is angry with me once second and quickly hugs me the next. I get invited back many, to trying and to hoping by the exact same thing that pushed me out. Life is brutifal like that.

I have been sitting here for the past hour or so trying to write up a paragraph or two of my current situation and how it can be at times but I haven't been able to find any words that fit just right. I write then erase because it all sounds so formal so well done and the truth is that is nothing similar to what I feel. It is nowhere near organized and well done. It is burnt and raw and screaming and crooked. There are times I lose sight of all the beauty in others and myself. I lose sight of the wishes. I lose sight of the love and it ever getting better. I lose sight of anything good. I drop the compassion, the patience, the understanding. I become overwhelmed because THIS situation of mine hasn't changed yet. Even in writing that makes me want to throw my laptop on the floor and violently step on it. I can't believe it is 2015 already and we are still here. I am still here stuck in the same situation. You know what I would often write in my journal these past months? "This won't be our forever. This will not be our forever. We do not hate progress" because sometimes I can get so caught up in the right now that I suffocate and come undone. I aim to become much more than my suffering though. The pain will be used as fuel. I will rise above and this will NOT be our forever. I believe in that. I guess that's what my hope looks like.

At those times in which I get invited back to life and I feel as if I can't move and I feel distant or lost. I dare myself to keep trying. I move away from hopelessness and spread my wings once again. I believe in myself and the beautifully cruel way of the world. I remember all I've endured and the wonderful definition of fierce I've become. I feel the fear but also the bravery. The courage in which I doubted its very presence glows aching to be used. I am reminded that life is chaos and beauty and pain and joy. That lifes hard not because I'm doing it wrong but because its just plain hard. So rest easy. Learned that from the brilliant Glennon Melton, shes a great invitation back to lifer.

So DARE yourself.

Believe in the FIERCE you've become.

Come back into the world of trying with me.

One Brave Christmas Eve

I sat still, staring at the beautifully created glass mosaic window hung high in the front of the room while my dear heart beating, pumping as fast as the adrenaline allowed it to. My mom to the right my dear friend to the left and another to my front listening intently.  Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Steady your heart beat. Slow and Steady. I almost turned to my left and intertwined my arm with his for some steadiness, some peace but Inhale. Exhale. or what if I reached out my hand to my front to put my hand on her shoulder but Inhale. Exhale. Why is my heart beating so fast?  I'm too shaky, calm down. Inhale. Exhale. The choir stands and begins to sing and my heart steady's to a fast but steady pace. Inhale. Exhale. and I lose myself in the melody and in the angelic high notes of the sopranos and I feel from my feet to the tips of my ears the bass of the organ pipes beautifully being played. I stare and remember the chaos and the amount of times my world has fell apart and all the pain that has stretched me and the muscles in my face that have at times felt too heavy to lift a smile and the tears shed and the screams nobody ever heard and the highlighted frustration for things gone wrong and Inhale. Exhale. I hear the voices of the choir continue and my soul disperses to glide along in the air, dancing with each note sung, momentarily kissed by peace and becoming one with the universe. Then I remember the pain also hugging my dear friends at this time and Inhale. Exhale. I remember why I choose to believe in love. I think of all those whom I do not know in deep pain through all the celebrations, existing, being, breathing. I then wonder of the important night with virgin Mary, perhaps she felt too many things were gone wrong on a day when she'd give birth to the savior. She too must have had her heart beating fast and mind full of stuttering thoughts Inhale. Exhale. be calm she must have breathed to her heart. 

Candles glistening, people singing and all our stories put to a halt so we become one with the universe. Peace comes and gently kisses your soul. My heart finally comes down to a normal rhythm and I realize I didn't have the energy to be there. My body knew my soul could not hold me up this night and adrenaline kept my soul from shutting down. 

Inhale. Exhale. 

Glowing eyes and soft smiles. Hug from her and him and them too. Love from her and him and them too. The pain present but no longer as intimidating. I breathe on my own without thought or reminders this time. I stutter goodbyes and Merry Christmases. I give tight hugs and hope they know they're loved. I stuff some peace in a box and save it for later. I watch her cross the street and watch him get to his car and I see the small faces of my dogs in my car anticipating my arrival. I breathe and look to the lit moon thankful for my friends and the fact I didn't get to face this really hard year alone. I remember the laughs and the clumsy hugs and the kisses on cheeks that always warmly surprise me. I remember all the details and how they became the bright stars in my darkened sky of a year. My heart beats and I feel love inside flowing, pumping within. I remember that I am alive feeling pain and love, experiencing laughter and hugs. I remember the souls that I am now deeply connected to and I remember to breathe. I love my friends and my dogs and chocolate cake and trees and hugs. I LOVE because I am ALIVE. I HURT because I am ALIVE.

I am alive and in pain and in love and thats real. 

Real is okay. 

Real is good.

Real. Is. Great.

Merry Christmas.

Brave Enough

On my knees staring at the dirt underneath my fingernails

Bleeding so many places I keep losing my count

My ears have a heart beat and

The air in my lungs creeping out of me so fast no chance for stable breath

Life around me turning, moving, mobilizing

and my eyes hanging onto it all

Maybe somehow, someway crawling along, bleeding along

with my crys and wails and tantrums

I will catch savory drops of hope in a pain

Capture waves of loving light in my darkened darkness

and with that scavenge enough courage

for my continuance

To breathe out the lies my demons convincingly whisper to me

To mobilize myself with bravery and courage

To achingly get up time after pain stricken time,

for my soul to stand 

with my heart maintaining its soft gentleness,

not closing itself up,

for the world shall not make me hard

My bravery constantly reborn

and so my continuance certain

On my feet staring at the sky,

bleeding so many places I won't continue to count,

Oh, my heart and its beautiful beat,

and the air in my lungs, the air in my lungs

 the breath in my lungs,

life around me moving, creating, beaming

and my eyes glowing with it all

Maybe somehow, someway 

I will joyously live with savory drops of hope

and waves of loving light

I will mobilize myself with courage

and continue so even with crippling fear

My bravery constantly reborn 

and so my continuance is certain

I am brave enough.