Courage Is Alive In You

 

Art cred. to Elyse Burden

The urges to write something solid the past few weeks have been pushed aside and out. I let the monster of insecurity win and I didn’t even dare to give it a good fight. I kept shoving down words of people who’ve written about “enough space” down my throat in hopes I’d be reminded of courage. How her being great doesn’t take away from my being great. How there is so much space for all of our lights. Theres enough for us all and there is no “taking away from” or “makes me less than”. Shove. Shove Shove. Why couldn’t I overcome this time? I felt like FEAR was spewing out its normal monologue and instead of interrupting its flow; I sat there jotting it all down like if it was some new found wisdom I couldn’t be without. Sigh. I kept on though with my practice of changing the dialogue and meditating to let go of the unhealthy. I am good--She is good--We are great--There is enough space--No less than--Better together--I matter--Stories matter--I am tough—The divine is everywhere--Courage is alive in you--Courage is alive in you--Courage is alive in you.

Today is a new day and although only morning the day has begun on difficulty. You know when things go completely sideways and slam you to the wall in the process?? Getting yourself to forget the suffocation and get back to normal breathing is a task but we do it. Readjust and keep moving. Readjust then keep moving, yup. I tell almost everyone I converse with “life is hard-so stinkin hard” because truth and everyone needs to be reminded that its not just them. Life is hard, period.

I kept thinking to myself that this part of the story doesn’t really matter. The sprint to the finish line isn’t important because right after it we then begin climbing another mountain. We won’t be there yet, hustle and resilience is still needed. But it is important, every part of our journey is important. Its crucial to learn from our experiences so that we can continue to grow and expand rather than skipping to the end and remaining in our ignorance.  What a waste of experience that can be.

The sprint to the finish line for me right now is; ooof- my hearts beating faster; that our search for housing has begun. With severe discipline, I have saved up just about barely enough for us to begin our search.

I am terrified.

I’ve only shared with two of my soul sisters only because I know the initial reaction is excitement and I am anything but that. Don’t get me wrong the idea of moving forward is a good thing but its been a long time comin’ and things never go as planned. Readjust and move forward, remember? Yeah, me neither, shutup. I remember when I told that soul sister of mine that I had saved up enough and she smiled so big and said “That takes a lot of discipline. I’m so proud of you.” And I remember feeling like my soul just took the biggest, deepest breath of relief. That was a good thing but I feel the volcano about to erupt and it won’t be pretty. Big changes. Lots of hard decisions. A lot of new.

 I’ve learned that not only do I GOT THIS but so do the people who love me. They GOT THIS, too. Life is hard but we can do hard. Hard things we can do. Alone? Yes. Together? That too. Asking for help doesn’t have to mean that we don’t or can’t stand on our two feet it’s the decision we make when we know we don’t really have to. Sometimes we do things on our own and other times we don’t. Our strength doesn’t diminish based on how many times we ask for help. That’s the lie, don’t believe that lie. I know I can do this alone and I know you can do this alone but the awesome part is knowing that we don’t really have to. Our strength isn’t defined by a thing; our strength just IS. I’m talking to all of my fellow humans who don’t know how to let our egos-walls-fears come down so we do it all ourselves. All of it, all of the things. I reasonate with you so much. I’m you and we are the same and we are one. But I’m learning that sometimes it would just be easier if we’d say that our two hands just aren’t enough this time,for this particular situation. How many times do we extend ourselves for others and hope down to our bones that they reach out to because you can help and it’d be no bother-not at all. Why don’t we ever do that for ourselves? Oh, right, its pretty damn terrifying. Remember these words, our strength just IS. Our strength isn’t definable. Our strength is here, its right now. Sometimes right now needs an extra hand-heart-whatever and that is SO okay. Also, sometimes right now doesn’t need an extra hand and we shouldn’t get offended when that is.

Yup, that’s all I got today.

If it was helpful-WOOT-WOOT! Let me know how or why please-please.

If not then leave it here. Don’t take it with you.

Also, smallest update I can do right now. More soon, hopefully.