I look to her with my eyes glazed over in shock. my voice rigid and robotic “I just got a text, they are taking her in an ambulance. Shes unresponsive.” Julieanne sighs with sadness and says sorry. The seconds accumalate and she grabs the clients chart behind me as the doctor leaves it. I’m pale and out of breath. The doctor looks at me then to Julieanne asking a question with his eyes. I get up off my chair and walk around the corner where I’m out of sight from everyone. The bustle in the office lobby continuing. Dogs barking, the phone ringing and ringing.. I lean against the metal shelf trying to find a place for my hand to grip onto something. The breath in me fast yet shallow. I feel it take over me, a rush, a huge wave and it takes me down. I slide down until I’m on the cold cement floor. I can feel the dirt stick to my palms. I begin to sob and as soon as I start I’m unaware on how to stop and if I ever want to. I call Lori and ask her to come to me. I can hear her breath through the phone cut short. She agrees and makes me aware it will take her about an hour and a half. I agree. I just needed to go and I also needed someone to stay with me. Mark comes to the back room and tells me to do what I have to do. Of course I will I think to myself. Everything seems so trivial. Nothing else matters. This whole stupid vet office is so frikkin stupid and nothing even matters because I just lost…...her.
I sit outside near the back door of the building and I hug the tissue box as if it will save me. I look over the parking lot beneath me and I continue to sob. I’m aware the technicians inside can see me from the window and they can hear me but again nothing matters. All of my insecurities and all of my fears of letting people see me cry vanish. I use up the entire tissue box and Lori still isn’t here. My mom and Celest on thier way to El Centro and my brothers already there. I feel so alone. I continue to wait until finally I hear footsteps behind me then a hand on my shoulder and I look up to Lori my cheeks wet and heart broken. I walk to her car and open the door and it amazes me how everything still works. How my legs allow me to walk and my brain can still formulate a sentence. I am broken-shattered, I should not be able to continue functioning. Lori goes inside and asks Julieanne for the rest of my stuff. She comes back and I can feel the vibration of the engine stream through me. She starts to drive and I slunch down in the chair and curl up. She drives until shes found a resteraunt. I have a migraine now and every movement is physically painful but it feels right this cohesion with how I felt on the inside. She gives me a shake as I drift in and out of sleep. I leave Percy inside the car. Lori made sure to park in the shade as to not worry me. We walk to the Pho restaraunt and I am in a daze. Nothing is real yet everything magnified at the same time. Lori apparently had been calling my name and I heard none of it. She grabs me roughly by my bicep and pulls me to her side and leads me out of the way to an oncoming car. Oh, sorry I turn and say still not paying attention. We sit in the corner and I make sure to choose the seat where I can lean against the wall because holding myself up is something I was quickly forgetting how to do. Lori places her order and I get some hot tea to help with my stomach ache I’ve now developed. I look to the people sitting around and as if asking them with my eyes how can you guys act like everythings normal when NOTHING is normal. Dont you guys know?? Doesn’t everybody know my grandma is dying??!! I tell Lori that I might throw up and I see the panic set in her eyes. She hands me the keys and I leave miraculously finding my way back to her car. She stays to pack up the food. She drives me to the Jack in The Box praking lot where my car is. Where we stay. I’m curled up on the seat again and I cry and I am in and out of consciousness. She tells me its time to go pick up her mom and she has to leave me. I didn’t understand how she could leave me at such a time. I can’t be alone rightnow tell your mom to figure something else out I wanted to whimper. My whole body aching and the sadness swallowing me whole. Abandonded, again. I surrendered and went to my car. Lori drove off and I curled up in my chair tucking my head into my chest. Percy trying to cool off in the back of the car as Im sure it was a good 90 degrees out and in the shade we were not. I heard the twinkle of my phone indicating a text. I shut my eyes as tight as I could because I knew that any news now would’nt be any better. I mustered what courage I had left in me and looked at my phone. It was from my mom and the texts read, “I am halfway to El Centro. “ And then the last one.. “Just got the call. Shes gone.”
All I remember was the feeling of a bullet going straight through my heart. I can’t breathe. I was yelling and crying oblivious to the fact my windows were open and people were listening. I can’t breathe. Where am I? Percy? How do you breathe again?? I’m light headed. Will I pass out in this oven of a car? OH, well good thats fine let me pass out. Wait, no...Percys here he’ll die in this heat. Call the ambulance. I fumble for my phone and everythings blurry. WHERE AM I?? I begin to dial 911 then I stop and think what I would tell the operator. Hi, my grandma just died and I can’t remeber how to breathe please hurry? No. No. Plus, what would happen with Percy? I try to calm myself through the sobs. I remember that I can call somebody and even though Im uncomfortable with it I can ask for help. I look through my contacts as I realize I have people in my phone but none of them are someone I can confide in. I call my friend Carrrie and she doesn’t answer. I call my friend Lyz and she doesn’t answer either. I text Julieanne and shes not available. Lyz texts me back and ask me whats wrong. I tell her and as I read that shes in Denver I begin to cry again. I am all alone. Am I breathing? Oh yeah, I should probably be doing that.
I sob for another 30 minutes and my heads pounding as if any second it could burst and my shirts wet from both tears and sweat. Percy is dying for water. I gather myself as much I could and went inside the Jack in The Box to get Percy water. Then I decide that I need to drive to El Centro. Now. I needed to leave. Im here alone and this isnt working. Fuck work. I need tires before I go. Two front tires. Lets do this. I turn on my car trying to stay focused to the task at hand then drive off...
Part 2 coming soon.
(I am doing all this off my phone so bear with me. Thanks)
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