Give Me My Secrets Back!

Sometimes I get so scared that I want all the secrets and heart spilled moments I've ever released into the universe, back. I feel so open and soft, so vulnerable. Sometimes I just want it all back to keep for myself. I’d like to gather it all together and forget that anyone ever saw any of it. "Why did I ever think destroying those walls of mine was ever a good idea?? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid." You see, I get scared too. I get frightened of sharing too much and in consequence being too vulnerable.  I get scared of being wrong when I speak out, which of course happens sometimes. I get scared of being unaware of hurting people and being blind to see important sides of something.  We all live with fears that we never let anyone else know about and well, those are some of mine. 

Even with all the beauty and raw human-ness in which vulnerability brings. I get scared. I know that being vulnerable can bring upon great things. I know that at least one person will connect with whatever it is in which I’m being vulnerable about but I still so often get scared.  I get scared and I yell at the universe to give me all my secrets back.  I jump into a puddle of insecurity.  It gets messy and sometimes some people don’t sit well with what you say and sometimes you get burned. I tend to curl into that dark place in my mind and mutter to myself that I won’t ever open up again because you can get hurt. I jumped and I fell and now I have to get back up again. 

Oh no, I’m gonna need some courage.

The other day in admitting that I was scared to a friend she told me that she gets the same kind of scared too and that even though we are scared we jump and fall anyway. I sat with that and something clicked in my head. I realized that the courage is not in the jumping when scared but in the falling and getting back up. Unlike some people believe we are not brave because we are scared and jump NO we are brave because we jump knowing we can fall and must get back up again. We are brave because we know we will have to try again. The bravery is in the continuance, it’s in the trying again. It’s in the trying! SO I realized that yes I may be vulnerable and may not say the right things at times but I am still trying. I have kept on trying. There is the courage, the bravery in which I am so blind to see during those moments of fear with the world. 

We jump and fall ANYWAYS.

So HAH fear! You have not won like I can so often believe. I am winning because I am still trying. I am brave and loaded with courage because I am continuing even after I get burned, and am wrong. I keep on and continue to try. I am brave because I call out my fear and even though sometimes I may not jump; I am still brave. Admitting you’re scared when no one else is admitting it is BRAVE and full of courage.  Brave can be and look like many things. So yes, I share my heart and sometimes I sit alone and yell at the universe to give it all back but I am still brave because I still try.

Have I said brave and try enough times?? 

I don't think soo because NEVER.

I don't know why the idea of me being wrong is so utterly embarrassing even though I know that everyone is wrong at some point and even daily. Its the perfectionist in me. I am still learning about this whole thing of taking up space even when I am not particularly correct thing. 

I am loved. 

We are loved not because we DO but because we ARE.

I am loved not because I do but because I am, 

How many of us continually get caught up in impressing people and accomplishing things in order to be loved or continue to. How many times do we believe we have to be successful to be loved?? How many times do we believe that we must be successful in order to be worthwhile?? I know I forget and believe that a lot of the time. 

I am scared sometimes of giving too much of myself away and being left with nothing.

Thats not a very smart fear. You want to know why?

Its not smart because every time I give some of myself away I get at least twice as much back. I am shown this countless times and yet I still get scared and yell at the universe. Each time you share your heart you will not be left out to dry because someone will always reach back with a piece of theirs. I believe in that. I believe in vulnerability. I adore it. I love that someone can open themselves up some and this raw beautiful stuff comes out. I love that it is a way of saying I AM HERE and flawed and HUMAN.  I am utterly fascinated by people and their way of being. I love that every single one of us has a big remarkable story to tell. I love that everything that has ever happened to us throughout our lives has shaped and impacted us in some way or form and made us into the ever evolving person we are right now, positive or negative.  We are all so different and alike all at the same time. That is so incredible to me, that each individual is contained with such complex and great stories. 

I will continue to remind myself that my courage is there because I am still trying and that I am loved not because I do but because I am. Maybe I'll even work on to stop yelling at the universe but between you and I thats one I keep to keep myself sane. Sometimes you just need to scream at nothing and everything. You know what I mean? NO? Okay, just me then.

You are loved and you are brave.

Keep on.

-Analaura

"Despite what you may believe you can disappoint people and still be good enough. 

You can make mistakes and still be capable and talented. 

You can let people down and still be worthwhile and deserving of love. 

Everyone has disappointed someone they care about. 

Everyone messes up, lets people down and makes mistakes. 

Not because we're inadequate or fundamentally inept, but because we're imperfect and fundamentally human

 Expecting anything different is setting yourself up for failure"
-Daniell Koepke
Creator of the Internal Acceptance Movement on Tumblr
Check it out!

We are Due.

You are due for great things.

Don’t you hear me?

You are due for great things.

You are brilliant and oh so strong

You are due.

No more I’m not ready yets

No more but I’m still a mess

Who you are right now is able and willing

Time to step away from the safe and into the wild

Into freedom

I am due for living into my greatest self

And moving on from who I’ve been

I am a wonderous creation

And it is time I believe

I, me, myself

am due for great things.

Today, Tomorrow and even after

We are due.

The Words in The Corner

The words are still there,
right where you left them,
They float in the corner of the room
Like an imaginary balloon,
Reminding me of when we ended,
make it stop, make them go away,
They've been here for so long,
Yet still burn like the first day,
But i've noticed them wilting,
Lingering a bit low,
As if they are losing air and importance along with it,
I guess this is what they call moving on,
If only it didnt happen so slowly

More time has passed and
Your words have lost their importance and with that, now they are no longer your words but just words
And they no longer float in the corner of the room in my mind, like they once did.
Now, I will throw words up in the air and they are meant for you to see
I hope they dont linger like yours have done to me
But i hope you hear them then let them be
I'm no longer yours and you no longer mine
I am my own and no longer will I settle for left over praises.

Homeless. What Do I Know? Final Part #3

Laughter. 

That’s it. 

That’s the secret.

Life is and will continue to be HARD and pain will always be present somewhere. There will be many, many times you will want to quit.

Break down. Yell. Scream. Pound the floor. Cry in the shower. Reflect. Mend. Grow. Eat that delicious piece of cake. But don’t give up.

OH yeah and laugh. Laugh as much as you can even if it makes you sound hysterical. Life is filled with so much all the time that taking a break is necessary. Do something that feels good.  Laughter is one of those things that can lift you up even if it is just for a few seconds. It’s sort of like that feeling when you change into sweatpants or when you’ve been holding your pee for a long time and you finally get to go.  It’s the temporary ice pack for the bruises of life.  That is how we have survived. That is how we are surviving, well that and chocolate cake, of course. I often make jokes about my situation and most of my friends, shockingly, don’t know in which way to respond. It gets awkward sometimes, well most times, like sip your water a little too long to pass this awkward silence kinda thing. 

I was walking with a friend after church the other day and as brilliant as I know my friends to be this particular line was so perfect my heart did a double back flip. He said, "That's funny, in a sad truth kind of way" and I non-nonchalantly responded with "You gotta laugh at your sad truths sometimes" even though inside I was jumping up and down and screaming with relief because YES! YES! YOU GET IT!! I had been telling my other friend Lori just that a week before! I told her how I make jokes about my sad truths and how I wish people would just laugh with me when I make them. I know it must make my friends uneasy because they care about me and know I'm struggling but lets for a second think of how uneasy it makes ME to actually be in it.To be living it. These sad truths I laugh at are my reality and they pain me too, a lot so I laugh because it hurts and because I'm tired of crying and wanting to cry. I laugh because I'm tired of complaining and I'm even tired of being tired!

 Can this all go away now? Can the happy ending happen already?! Can all our prayers get answered and in return my faith in the divine grow bigger than a stinkin mustard seed already?! I want things to get better just like I'm sure my friends also do but they aren't. I would love to say that because this series is ending that so will this episode of our lives. I would love to say that we are going to be in a home soon and we are somewhat financially stable now but I can't and I probably won't. I wish things were getting better or that we had a better plan of how to get up on our feet and going again but I can't and it pains me like you could only imagine. We feel stuck. So. So. Stuck. The frustration that erupts in me when I think of our situation and the things that aren't happening to make it better. OH God help me! The me of so little faith. 

I use to tell myself that maybe I needed to be more grateful for what we do have in order to be happier with what we get, when we get it but thats not it. Although, I truly believe that I carry myself with an attitude of gratitude more so now than I ever have before which is fantastic but I no longer believe God kept an innocent 10 year old girl from a home because I wasn't giving enough thanks. What twisted idea of God did I have in my head that would make me in believe in that?? 

So I laugh. To keep myself sane. To keep my family sane. To create courage. To continue with faith. To feel good. To win at life for a while. To discourage complaint. To deal with pain. To love more.

To send out positive energy. And because I'm confused and lost and a bit tired.

I continue thinking of how its so easy for me to feel grateful for the little things now but what about when things get better? I am going to struggle with being okay with less because I get to taste a bit of more. I am going to forget the burden that comes with having to go to the bathroom because I'll have one easily accessible in my home. I'll forget the feeling of wanting but having nowhere to go because I'll have a home to resort to. I will forget that people are still struggling and in despair when my life is going great. Thats all so scary to me. I don't want to stop being aware because I'm scared of what will come of it. I'm scared I'll stop feeling as compelled to help. I don't want to get lazy because I'm not living it anymore.

-----

This series could honestly go on longer but because being homeless is not all that I am, I have chosen to end it with number 3. I have gotten such an amazing, overwhelming response throughout this whole series and I couldn't be any more thankful for it. What I set out to achieve when writing each part I believe has been accomplished. I wanted to start a conversation for people, to stir the waters on this topic. I wanted to give perspective from someone people could be able to relate to. I wanted to inform and maybe even inspire. The response has made me feel like I've achieved that and more so Thankyou! Thankyou! Thankyou! 

As for my family and I well I don't know whats going to happen or if its going to get better sooner than later but you bet we will be laughing the whole way through. and with chocolate cake too.

I hope you choose to laugh when it gets hard which to be honest can happen and be a lot of the time. I hope you try for compassion and understanding with things that stir up the waters in you. I hope you love and love well. I hope you choose kindness. I hope you leave your toolbox at home unless you're asked to bring it. I hope you never feel as if you've arrived because closed minds never expand and expanding hurts but its wonderful too, miraculous even. 

I hope when you see a homeless person you feel an ache in your heart and I hope you don't pretend you don't see them. I hope you offer them kindness whether it be in a smile or food and water. I hope you see a homeless person with a grocery cart and remember that they already feel like a nobody and most likely have nobody so all that stuff helps them hold onto that twisted idea of home they now own. 

Be kind everyone and Love well.

-Analaura